Dark Rooms Like Dead Cocoons

I'm done, It's done. Everything is over. No light, no hope, no tomorrow. Only questions remain, but do I really want to know? Do I want to know when that turn occurred from which there was no return? A crushing sadness engulfs our mind, our hearts our very souls. Where do we turn for answers, who has them? Can we move on without them, why was she so sad?
Was it friends, the parties, the drugs, perhaps a life changing trauma, or the pharmaceuticals? Was it men or women who hurt her so bad? I want to look into their face:  or none of the above. Each night is harder to sleep, crushing, hollow, lifeless, dark rooms surround us like dead cocoons.

   Where is our beloved? In her grave, I see. It has changed in the last two and a half months. They put grass on top of the soil. They took her flowers, and vases. It is recognizable only by the plot next to it, which is marked.. Nobody wins here. The silence of the friends, the silence of the families, her empty room all scream for attention. Yet, we cannot enter that tranquil place, only to clean the kitty litter, and feed her fish. Oh God, when will this all end? Why are you silent? You said you would not give us more than we can bear!
The crisp air, and sunshine does nothing to lighten the ambiance, it is dull, cutting and bleak. The season has brought a chill, that is to the bone. Frost on roof tops, and car windows, we exist alone, like dead sardines in a can. We only imitate life; get dressed, shower, stare.

One girl says not to say anything bad about Deborah, she cannot speak for herself: the other girl tries to find answers that would satisfy my soul. My husband is silent.

I wrote to her long time employer,
 I suppose the best word to describe me tonight is one full of rage. I can't be loving and kind anymore after what Deborah has done. She defiled everything our family stood for. Not only did she not show me love, but she demonstrated hatred and gave us the finger. That is what she did. I feel she did that to God also.

I'm glad that you all benefited from a different Deborah, for 9 years, but not I. Despite being patient with her, pleading with her, helping her, in her teen years, she thought that I was a control freak. She carried on with her carefree life, that led to death.  This is how I see it now. I tried to see it differently earlier, but this keeps coming back to me. This  self hatred that she showed is to the highest level.

The sacrifice, love, care, obviously did not matter to her. She self loathed herself and also I. Throw in there the many times she said she hated me,(most teens and young adults freely say this to their parents, just in case you haven't been there) stir that together with all the times she was indifferent towards us, made a pretty toxic atmosphere. But as all mothers, we are to forgive our children, except now she doesn't live to care.

There is no making pretty of what she did.