Accepted an Offer on our family home

Yesterday, we accepted an offer on our family home where for 12 years we raised out family. Joy and sorrow accompanied this decision. Ofcourse it isn't a done deal yet with financing and inspections looming around the corner, but physically we were not able to deal with the workload and the demands of the tenants. Our move to our very small place would be at the end of October. Believe it or not, I still have a closet full of clothes that belonged to Deborah. We finally, after five years of her passing have to deal with the wardrobe that has her memories and her scent tucked away in her clothing. My one girl has kept a pink blanket that she has not washed in five years. I noticed how dusty it got, as it was on the chair by her desk.
Some other things I will be doing is taking some of the garden plants out, such as blueberry, fig, and possibly dwarf walnut trees and put them in pots to take to our new place. We will need to get a plumber into the new place and put in stackable washer and dryers to save me a little more space in an 1100 sq feet townhome. Most of the people are 55 plus years of age in this new place. I wonder if we can adjust? Life is a cycle. Happier times was when we were young, with younger children when we did not see into the future of a possible suicide. I keep looking at those pictures of my family; the happier days.

Taking a Break

Hello World! I am in the midst of trying to move, so I won't be posting much lately. Remember World Suicide Prevention day is coming up September the 10th Please spread the word , and be there for your neighbour. Ask them How is Your Mental Health!!!
God Bless, hope to start blogging in mid September.
Love
Maria

Dimples

My grand-daughter carrying Deborah's dimples..I was not able to reduce pictures; sorry.

On the rocks of the beach

I hope all of you are having a great summer. We are in the midst of decluttering our home. Thankfully, some friends from nearby have an empty house and they are so greateful for just about anything. They loaded up two trucks today; a filing cabinet, a truck storage unit, a wooden shelf, a pull out single sofa etc. They made an afternoon of it, as we ate lentil soup together. Both these men are single one by choice and the other by divorce. They are in their fifties. I am glad they have each other as friends. The one man is the brother of my girlfriend who passed 3 years ago, and I just found out a few months ago that she died of cancer, and suffered greatly. He is the lone survivor of a farm he owns. As we look forward to our downsizing, we reflect on the memories we had in this house. I am glad we will have a quieter life, one with less financial stress and noise around us. I hope our remaining lives are filled with travel and lots of grandchildren.
Deborah's grave was filled with flowers on her 5th year anniversary of her passing. My daughter took the newest addition to the graveside to see where her aunt lay. I was filled with tears, as she also took her to the shores of the Fraser, where Deborah's body was found after her tragic jump the night before. My little grand-daughter sitting in her car seat on the rocks of the beach. Can you imagine?

Flowers at the Grave

It's now been Five Years

On August 18th 2014 our Beloved Daughter Deborah took her life at dusk from a local bridge. It is five years today. There isn't a day we do not think of her and the joy she brought to us. We miss her voice, her smiles with those deep dimples, her singing and laughter. We wonder what she would be doing if she was alive today. Today, as usual, many will visit her graveside and leave flowers. I was there yesterday leaving some extra vases for visitors, and will likely go again.
True dear friends will stop by, and fellowship with food with us. Friends who are hard to find in this day and age. Deborah, we miss you so much, life will never be the same but we await that glorious meeting in the sky one day soon. Daddy cried over you the other day, and we love and think of you along with your three sisters. I put a circular reef on your grave yesterday with daisies and roses. Our circle of love will be endless for you.

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Personal Update

Sorry that I have not been attending to my blog lately. I suppose it is one of those dry, dessert periods where one cannot share as much as one would like. A clue would be that we are likely going to downsize into a 55 plus home and this very idea has brought out all kinds of feelings in everyone. I have been cleaning and scrubbing and throwing out things. I feel like throwing out the cat as well, since she has destroyed some good furniture but it is after all Deborah's cat Moonshies mother. We found an economical townhouse that is part of a housing society and works sort of like a co-op.
The hard thing is that not everyone has brought into this, and the family is in turmoil once again.

Tomorrow evening I will be the guest speaker at a Hospice Society about being a survivor of suicide for the last 5 years.. Yes, the big day is coming up once again.. August 18th. In 2014 was the last day we saw Deborah. After work she headed for the Patullo Bridge. I am forever greateful for her life with us, and that we found her body on the shores. I know of a sister, whose brother is still presumed missing and was last seen swimming into the cold Fraser River.
I'm sure you have heard the word suicide more than a few times in the last news reports with Epstein. Some have stated that he was removed from his cell with the pretense of suicide... by his illuminati friends. What do you think? Maybe the previous attempt of his suicide was just to condition us into thinking that indeed this was going to be his 'end'; and in a week or so 'He did die' by self murder with no camera's rolling, and no guards watching him.. in a suicide watch cell???? God help us with all the very very difficult times we are in.
Please be kind to all and ask them about their mental health. Life is very difficult at best. Live as if there is a God as Jordan Peterson would say.

Special Live Stream Part I: Jeffrey Epstein Found Dead Through "Apparent...

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Diane Dreher Ph.D.

Your Personal Renaissance

Research Reveals a Surprising Solution for Anxiety

How compassion can help you relieve stress.

Posted Aug 01, 2019

Source: Dromarcos. mc billeta ,parque los reyes. 2012. Creative Commons Share alike on Wikimedia Commons

Millions of Americans are suffering from chronic anxiety, the most common mental illness in the United States. Anxiety affects over 40 million adults and over 25% of children between 13 and 18 (Anxiety and Depression Association). Undermining our ability to function, anxiety can fill us with incessant worry, tension, nervousness, and a fearful sense of foreboding that makes us feel we are not safe.
The stresses of contemporary life contribute to our anxiety, according to neurosurgeon James R. Doty, M.D., director of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education (CCARE). Deprived of sleep by electric lights and electronic communication, and assaulted by workplace demands and the frantic pace of modern living, he says, we can experience “chronic engagement of our sympathetic nervous system, depressing our immune system, increasing our blood pressure, causing the production of inflammatory proteins, decreasing our cortisol level, our epinephrine, norepinephrine, with a very deleterious effect on long-term health” (Doty, 2019).
Constant self-criticism also causes stress, according to psychologist Paul Gilbert. When you make a mistake, if you call yourself names like “stupid and “loser,” or tell yourself that you’re “not good enough,” and this harsh self-talk actually makes you feel that you are being attacked, triggering a stress reaction (Gilbert, 2009).
Emotionally, all this stress puts us in “survival mode,” destroying our peace of mind and impairing our ability to make wise decisions. Stress makes us more reactive, and more susceptible to people who try to manipulate us, both personally and politically (Doty, 2019)
A surprising solution to all this stress and anxiety is compassion, “an open-hearted way of relating to the world that responds to the suffering of others with care, kindness, and helpful action” (Neff & Seppala, 2016, p. 189). Compassion also includes self-compassion, being kind to ourselves, especially when we make mistakes, treating ourselves as we would treat a dear friend (Neff, 2011).
Research has shown that cultivating compassion for ourselves and others can relieve stress (Jazaieri et al, 2012; 2018). Compassion Cultivation Training at CCARE involves nine weekly two-hour sessions along with daily meditations at home. Researcher Thupten Jinpa’s book, A Fearless Heart (2015), describes this training, offering mindfulness and loving-kindness meditations to promote greater compassion and self-compassion.
Cultivating compassion begins with mindful breathing. Mindfully pausing to take a few slow deep breaths has been shown to cut through the stress reaction, helping us focus, relax, and act more effectively (Jinpa, 2015). In his memoir, Into the Magic Shop (2017), Dr. Doty tells how he has used this practice to focus his attention when dealing with challenging brain surgeries.
article continues after advertisement Cultivating compassion helps relieve stress by reframing the way we see the world. As Dr. Doty explains, “Just teaching people to look at the world from a different perspective, teaching people how to understand that an event is an event and that a lot of suffering is caused when you attach emotional content to the event,” can expand our perspective to relieve our stress.
Finally, realizing that we are not alone, that “everyone is suffering” transforms the way we perceive the people around us. Instead of reacting to someone’s negative remark with even more negativity, Dr. Doty explains that we can recognize “that that the manner in which someone interacts with you frequently has no relationship to you,” referring to Viktor Frankl, who said that “Our freedom is in the pause between the stimulus and the response.”
“This is where the pause comes in,” Dr. Doty says. “This is where your freedom lies. This can be very helpful,” adding that it takes time and practice to “control your natural tendencies of how you respond to aggressive people.”
Research has shown that compassion is incredibly good for our health (Fredrickson, Cohn, Coffey, Pek, & Finkel, 2008). Dr. Doty says that by developing greater compassion, love, and acceptance, “You shift into your parasympathetic nervous system, the executive control function works its best, your decision-making works its best. You’re much more open, thoughtful, and inclusive.”
article continues after advertisement Compassion also makes us feel happier. We now know that caring for one another stimulates the pleasure or reward centers in our brains (Doty, 2019).
To experience greater compassion when you’re feeling stressed, you can pause to take three deep breaths, then:

• Tell yourself that an event is just an event, that someone’s else’s negative behavior may have nothing to do with you. If your boss unexpectedly snapped at you, he may just be having a bad day. Perhaps he got a speeding ticket on the way to work.
• Realize that everyone is suffering, even your irritable boss.
• Pause to take a few mindful breaths and send compassion to this person with a brief loving-kindness meditation: “May you be filled with loving-kindness, may you be well, may you be free from suffering, may you be happy.”

Feel your mood and energies change.
The next time you’re feeling down, you can experience greater self-compassion by pausing for a few deep breaths, then taking these three steps recommended by psychologist Kristin Neff:

• Mindfulness. Instead of attacking yourself, tune into your feelings. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” and name your feelings to yourself—“I feel sad. . . scared. . . hurt. . . angry. . . confused.”
• Common humanity. Remind yourself that suffering is common to all humanity. Tell yourself, “It’s OK. No one’s perfect. Everyone makes mistakes.”
• Kindness to yourself. Actively soothe yourself with kind words. You can even give yourself a hug, as Neff suggests, by crossing your arms over your chest and squeezing your upper arms, saying, “Poor dear, you’re really hurting right now” (2011).

article continues after advertisementThen feel your mood and energies change.
A little more compassion can make a major difference in your life. If you’re feeling anxious and stressed, can you stop, take a few deep mindful breaths, and begin feeling a deeper sense of compassion for yourself and those around you?
_____________________
This post is for informational purposes and should not substitute for psychotherapy with a qualified professional.

References

Anxiety statistics from the Anxiety and Depression Association of America https://adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics

Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University, http://ccare.stanford.edu/

Doty, J. R. Personal communication, Mountain View, California, July 10, 2019. All quotes from Dr. Doty are from this interview.

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