The Stigma

“Once the person's mind is made up that's it”, a retired doctor told me afterwards. Apparently, all these dear souls are perfectionists, and compassionate. They cannot meet their own high expectations, or their perfectionist goals, and may fall into profound loneliness, and or severe social anxiety, which all may lead to the deadly trigger. Deborah wrote in her final letter to us, in the very first line, that “all her life she has tried to be perfect, and she has been unhappy for a very long time.” It is not just depression as an obvious factor, there is also anxiety, bi-polar, psychosis and a multitude of other symptoms may be displayed, in a blend of concoction.
Sometimes it is a positive energy they derived from a holiday or vacation that may lead them to follow through with their plan.



My one friend said, “The only hope I see for help with mental illness is to get rid of the stigma attached to it as people laugh when they are afraid or do not understand the illness. We do not laugh at diabetics so why should we laugh at people with mental illness.

People are so quick to judge and have very little compassion for mental illnesses.  If you have a wound on the outside, sympathy is easy to give, but when someone goes "off the rails" mentally, great stigma is attached to them.   That's why we hide our pain with fake smiles and cry on the inside.”

Tolerance and understanding of their pain would be a tremendous step in the right direction, and offering words of encouragement.

Humilated..Betrayed...Lost

I'm told that I'm supposed to share with you,my readers, more of my feelings. It has been six weeks now, and we all still feel shattered, like a china cup,in millions of pieces. Well, here it is. A few days after things sunk in, I felt humiliated, betrayed, devastated, lost, angry, and tormented, in disbelief, only to list a few. These feelings only kicked in a few days after the fact. Immediately after becoming aware of what happened, we were numb with grief, stunned, in shock, paralyzed. No words can explain the pain, we stayed up all night, except for maybe an hour of sleep, with the police attending, along with victim's services in still silence.



The night we discovered Deborah missing, events escalated by each moment, each hour, with worse and worse news. Around 9 pm I asked the family, where is Deborah, she should be home by now? Some of my girls believe that this was perhaps the exact timing of her jump; a mothers instinct.
 She got a ride to  work in a convertible bug with a family she knew for 9 years. She said I love you in my foyer, and when I saw them out, she said quietly to me from the car seat, that she loved me, and I said back, I love you. Two I love you's on the same night was a little out of character, but I relished it.
Perhaps she finally communed with my heart, and things were going to be better. Her hospitalization in January, with psychosis symptoms, not yet determined, still weighed on the back of my mind. She had since then, totally transformed her life, no drugs, no alcohol, no overnight parties.
We thought Deborah worked late for the family that evening. When she wasn't home by 9 pm, and it was dark outside, we inquired of the family and we were told she left at 7pm, mentioning that she will be out for a long walk. We called the police to report a missing person, and looked in nearby parks, bus stops, and possible areas she might be in, perhaps jogging.

Continued on another post..

A frank discussion on suicide and depression.

A frank discussion on suicide and depression.
 by Lanny Townsend used with permission.
A young girl of my acquaintance took her life. She was only 19 years old. Deborah had
a loving family, she was beautiful and talented, and had everything to live for, so why
did she do it? Despair. But what brought on this despair? She took a synthetic drug that
triggered psychosis. Where is she now? I believe that Deborah is in Heaven. But not
everyone who commits suicide goes to Heaven.
Many Christians would say that it is impossible for a suicide to go to Heaven, but God
considers more than just the act itself when He judges a situation. He considers the
person’s ability to think rationally. Deborah’s brain was injured, and, in addition to the
injury, she was on medication that made her feel like a zombie. I know what that is
like.
I experienced it in 1986, after my husband left me, and I suffered a nervous
breakdown, as a result. My emotions had become too painful to deal with, so I buried
them where I couldn’t feel them. The absence of emotions is like being dead while still
walking around, but I was blessed to get healed from this problem. My emotions came
back and, in spite of their painful intensity, I thanked God that I was able to feel again.
It reassured me that I was still human.
Even so, during that time, my life was in a holding pattern. I wanted to die to get relief
from that sense of being in limbo, and I think that Deborah felt the same. She had been
a fun-loving teen who wanted to party, but woke up one day in shock to find herself in
hospital due to horrific side effects of drug use.
It’s not just synthetic drugs that are dangerous; all recreational drugs are dangerous.
They kill brain cells, impair judgment, and, if their use becomes habitual, they cause
users to regress emotionally. Deborah was very sorry that she had damaged herself in
this way and she was desperate to be healed.
Deborah turned to the Lord Jesus at this time. She put a lot of hard work into trying to
get her life on track through reading the Bible. She read it from cover to cover twice in
only a four month period, underlining many verses that stood out to her as especially
significant in her situation. She attended church, made connections with other
Christians and spent time with them, and she arranged to be baptized.
It seemed that she had hopes and expectations that her baptism would bring about the
healing of her brain that she longed for. She thought she would instantly feel different
when she came out of the water.
The Christian walk, though, it not a walk that is based on emotions or on supernatural
experiences. It is a walk of faith, trusting in the truth of God’s Word, and Deborah was
too new in her faith to realize this.


It is a statement that goes out to the spiritual realm, announcing that the person
has committed their life to Jesus Christ. Water baptism brings the person into a
greater realm of faith, but the knowledge of how much more powerful a
Christian is than the forces of darkness is something that a Christian learns as
they dig deeper into God’s Word, meditate on it, and walk in their covenant
rights. Some Christians catch on quickly and see miracles happen frequently
through their prayers, but for some, it takes longer to purify their faith to that
extent.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick. When Deborah felt no different after her
baptism, she thought that it either meant she would never be healed, or that it
would be a very long time before she got healed. The pain of these prospects
was more than she thought she could endure.
Is God going to judge her for not being able to make it across the chasm? What
difference is it, if the reason for one’s death is because they had a broken leg
and it’s weak or because they had an injured brain and were confused?
Deborah repented of drug and alcohol use and demonstrated, in various ways,
that she wanted to live for God. I believe that, though it certainly was not God’s
will for Deborah to take her life, in His mercy, He allowed it to end her pain.
Does that mean that I endorse euthanasia? Absolutely not!
 Who are we to judge how much pain a person can endure,
to assume that they are weak, when they may be capable of enduring more than
they think they can, and their pain may actually be a turning point in their life?
It may be the very thing that, at long last, makes them cry out to God and
receive Jesus as the Savior of their soul, if not their Healer. And there is the
possibility that, if they look to Him as their Healer, as well, they will be healed
and God glorified by their miracle, and that person may go on to do some
amazing things in their life.
It’s a grievous sin to take one’s life, but if a person doesn’t know what they are
doing, it’s not the same. That doesn’t give anyone an easy out, though. God
judges each case separately, and you may not pass His inspection when He
looks deep into the soul.
If a person figures that, if they take some drugs and scramble their brains, then
if they kill themselves, they won’t be held responsible because they didn’t
know what they were doing, it won’t wash. God is likely to consider what they
were thinking before they took the drugs and judge the intentions of their heart
at that point.
One of the things that helped me get through my nervous breakdown is that I
learned very soon in my walk with Jesus that I had to rely on what the Word of
God says, and not how I feel. A pastor explained it to me like this: Faith is like
the engine of a train, experience is the boxcar, and joy is the caboose. Joy
cannot be the engine because we don’t always feel joy.
Experiences cannot be the engine. What happens if you don’t get the
experiences you want to receive, such as a healing, or financial provision, or a
restored relationship? Faith will keep the train rolling along the track,
regardless of delayed answers to prayer, or if we asked for something that
wasn’t good for us to have, or when we feel depressed.
Depression makes people behave irrationally; it blows problems way out of
proportion. It is trusting in what God says in His Word that puts things in
proper perspective and helps us see what to do about them. Problems are never
solved by alcohol or drugs or other escapes; it just adds to one’s problems.
Deborah found herself saddled with mental illness due to drug damage.
She was sorry that she took drugs. She repented. If a person breaks their leg
due to taking on a foolish dare, it’s a sin, but they can repent of behaving
foolishly. They still have to deal with the broken leg, though.
Normally, a person with a broken leg would give it time to heal before they
jump again on a trampoline or hop over a fence or enter a race. If
circumstances press them into vigorous activity before that leg is healed, such
as they have to leap across a chasm to save their life, and they don’t make it
because their leg is not strong enough, they are not at fault in their death.
God does not say, “Well, if you hadn’t taken that stupid dare and broken your
leg, you would have been able to make it to the other side.” No, when He
forgives, He also forgets their sin. All He sees is that His child was in peril and
needed to leap across the chasm, but they were impaired by their broken leg.
Deborah tried to leap across a chasm from childhood to adult responsibility, but
she didn’t know how she could make it. She could learn skills, but she couldn’t
cope in the workplace, unless her brain was healed, which would increase her
ability to reason and to control her emotions. She really didn’t want to die; she
wanted to live, but she wanted to live as a healthy person who could handle
normal life. She wanted her baptism to heal her and help her be the fully functioning,
responsible person that she longed to be. She wanted baptism to be
the barricade that would keep her from ending her life.
Baptism is a very significant and powerful event in a person’s life, but it
doesn’t work that way. It has nothing to do with the emotions; it relates to a
person’s will. Also, even if a person is mentally ill, God knows to what degree their judgment
is impaired, and it may not be as impaired as they pretend it is; they might be
using their illness as an excuse to get away with misbehavior that they are
actually able to control.
God forbid that anyone would take such a risk with their precious soul. Eternity
is for a long time. If a person ends up in the bad place, there’s no way out.
Suicide rarely ends one’s suffering. Our consciousness never ceases; it either
lives on in the Presence of God, with all its attendant joys, through having
sincerely repented of our sins, or it is cast out into darkness and loneliness and
despair forever through the choice to continue in rebellion against God.
I suppose that nobody can say for certain where Deborah is now, because only
God is adequately equipped to judge souls, but I am comforted that she made
choices and changes in her life, in these last few months, strongly indicating
that she wanted to serve Jesus, and God has been giving comforting signs since
her death that point to a favorable decision made in her case.
I don’t feel that Deborah has actually died, but rather that she has just changed
her address and is living with the Lord. She has left her shell behind, but if we
learn the lessons that God wanted us to learn from her life, we can be with her
again, and with the Everlasting Father, when we cast off our mortal shells.
What lessons can we learn from Deborah’s life? The lessons are personal,
unfolded to us by the Father as we seek Him for the answers to our questions.

Lanny Townsend

“Give thanks to God, regardless of circumstances; fulfill your vows to the Most
High, and call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will
honor me.”
Psalm 50:14 & 15 (paraphrased)

Sparkling Deborah Poem By Lanny Townsend

Poem by Lanny Townsend used by permission, and read at her funeral by her 3 surviving sisters,
 Elizabeth, Erica and Sarah.

Sparkling Deborah

Deborah of the sparkling eyes, deep dimples, and dazzling smile,

What were you thinking, dear girl, when you went through your last trial?

You left us clues, as you searched the Bible to soothe your cares;

Highlighted verses are windows to your thoughts, witnesses to your prayers.

We are comforted that, though you stumbled and fell,

You looked to Jesus to save you from sin and Hell.

He forgave you; we know that it is true;

He came into your heart, with its walls that were painted blue.

Such a sad, sad heart, such a troubled mind,

Triggered by a drug that promised good times you’d find.

You yearned to be accepted and to have fun with your friends,

And became deceived, like many, by youthful trends.

Jesus spared your life, after drugs sent you in a spin.

And gave you time to repent of each besetting sin.

You reached for His hand, and He led you through His Word;

Twice you read His Book, and much in it you heard.

What a comfort to us now, to see the words you underlined.

And know that your name in the Book of Life is signed;

Written there by the blood of Jesus Christ, our Lord;

We know His grace and mercy, upon you He has poured.

You were just starting to walk the path of the wise,

And were too unlearned to discern the deceiver’s lies.

You thought that waters of baptism would your confusion all unwind,

And instantly produce a miracle of healing for your mind.

Significant and powerful, baptism is indeed,

But it is through faith that we get what we need.

It is not through feelings, nor experiences, nor the reasoning of our brain,

But through constant trust in God’s Word, the victory we gain.

God understands what drove you to the decision you would make,
And allowed the enemy of your soul, your precious life to take.

But He did not let him keep it, when you plunged into the water;

He caught you in His arms, His beloved, redeemed daughter.

Now you live in Heaven, where all your fears are washed away;

And you are free to love and laugh and play.

Though our heart sorrows for the loss of our dear girl,

We know you are now safe within the gates of pearl.

We cherish memories, of how you loved cookie dough ice cream,

And how you could sing and play music like a dream.

Your favourite colours were blue and pink, and you liked the dollar mart;

Pink roses and red roses, and perfume charmed your heart.

You had a photographic memory, and a photogenic face;

Your athletic ability and energy set a lively pace.

Swimming was a favourite sport, and chess a favourite game;

Which your Grandpa taught you because you were such a clever dame.

But kindness was part of you, and generosity, as well.

And humour, too, for silly jokes you liked to hear and tell.

Family and friends were high priorities on your list;

Oh, dear girl, how sorely you will be missed!

But when the tears start to run, we will wipe them with a smile,

As we remember the blessing you were, when we had you for a while.

We will think of you when we hear Hillsong’s tunes,

And when spring returns each year with its pretty blooms.

We will recall how you organized our closets and our drawers,

And how you loved dogs and kittens and willingly did your chores.

Brindle pup and Moonshine kitty will join you in Heaven someday;

Look after them for us, Deborah, until we come Home to stay.

Let our family circle be unbroken in that celestial realm;

We know our ship will make it, as long as we keep Jesus at the helm.

We don’t fully understand God’s ways or know all His plans,

But everything will work out, as we remain in His strong hands.

We will look into our Saviour’s eyes, and all our pain will be no more,

As it is now for you, gazing upon Him whom you adore.

Revel in His embrace, as you to dance among the stars above;

We release you to His tender care and never ending love.

Lanny Townsend – August 20, 2014

As A Mom...

As moms we are so prone to fix what is visibly wrong. Clean house, make beds, cook dinner, dye grey hair, put band aids on, . However, when the ailment is invisible, how can we attend to such a thing? I always knew my mother was a hard case to live with, and so that must have been the primary reason for me getting married at 18, and moving out. I had no idea until my father had her assessed in the hospital after a triple coronary bypass that she was also bi polar at the age of 63,  for which she took no medication. I have no communication with my mom, she is sadly a lost soul. Interestingly, some moms have no attachment because they themselves were not loved, but that topic is for another day.

It has been 6 weeks since Deborah's suicide, and I have immersed myself, for lack of doing anything else useful,  into sponging in information. In a book called Choosing Hope, the author Ginny Dennehy reports that the statistics for teen suicide.." is considered the second leading cause of death for teens in Canada, and, in some years, the B.C. coroners' office has reported that suicide is the number one leading cause of teen mortality in the province." That means that Deborah was part of this statistic, and in fact a much rarer type of statistic, as it is much more common for a male gendered person to follow through.
Yesterday, I sat outside a "Take back Surrey -Rally 4 Change" as a result of citizens in Newton  outraged at the violent death of a 17yr old girl, Serena, by the railway tracks. People were overflowing, and could not be seated inside the building. I went to offer my condolences to the family, who was largely absent except for the grandmother. The pain is too shattering to bear. I'm glad there is a public outcry, but why are no suicides reported? We hear of only bridges closing due to a "police incident". These incidents occur almost daily on bridges such as the Pattullo, Burrard and Lions Gate bridges. As I sit writing this in the comfort of my home, I too have my heart shattered in two, waiting for a good thrust, which is weak anyways, heredity they say. Next to my heart medication, now I'm taking blood pressure pills too. My chest tightens, my baby aspirins at hand, but not so that I may live, but rather to join my beloved daughter.

My History

I'm fluent in Hungarian. I came to Canada in 1970, leaving Budapest with my sister and parents. We escaped from the former satellite country of the Soviet Union. I barely missed having to learn Russian. I had a happy childhood, growing up in a large home, with a fruit orchard. My grandparents lived close to the Russian border in Fenyeslitke, where we had the vineyards, and apple orchards.The cows found their way home from the pastures.  I left 31 first cousins there, when we got our visas to flee the country. After staying in Zirndorf, Germany for 6 months as refugees, we immigrated to Ontario, Scarborough. Attending a Catholic school and learning the language were the primary achievements for a 10 year old. At the age of 18, I married my first husband, who abandoned me for his joy rides on a Harley Davidson. Later, just a year ago, I found out he became an international fugitive. Remarkably, God protected me from such a character after all. After spending 5 years alone, and becoming a believer in Jesus, I met my husband of 27 years, an Albertan man who was nicknamed "Flash" for his fiery red hair...maybe. I think he had that nickname for walking quickly as his posture stands at 6'4". We had four wonderful girls in our marriage, and have battled multiple illnesses, fires, floods. We engaged our children in Christian school, while I worked as a food service supervisor, at Children's hospital. After working my way up in seniority to an almost full time job, I got laid off under the liberal government with a multitude of food service, housekeeping, logistics, and landscaping personnel. I was the primary bread winner, as my husband suffered from Chron's disease from the age of 22, which is an auto-immune disease, starting in the bowels. We striked along Oak street with all of our daughters, instilling a valuable activist lesson in them. We had our children in choirs, enjoying productions such as the "Sound of Music", and Christmas Cantata's. They were in symphony's playing their violin,they all learned to swim, in an outdoor, Co-op pool, thanks to me. They even learned to drive cars as adults, thanks to me. They learned to ice skate, thanks to me. They learned to read and write thanks to me. As a mother, my life entailed that of any mother's adventures, being the nurse, nanny, teacher, bookkeeper, chaperones, music teacher, counselor, advocate, speech therapist,cook, etc.Family was the fiber of our motivation, to excel as parent's and give unprecedented advantage to our daughters in the midst of a cruel, and often unfair world. Bartering for services was as natural as breathing. With the passing of my Deborah, my heart is broken.

Introduction

Hi Everyone,

I would like to introduce my self, as the mom of Deborah Gordon, my youngest daughter. On August 18th of this year, I automatically joined the suicide survival's group. My astounding treasure gone, in the blink of an eye. Don't get me wrong, all my four daughters are the fabric of my husbands and my life, but Deborah was the cherry on the top. After loosing a baby due to miscarriage when Deborah was about five, I knew that four children sealed our family.
I wish to thank my dear husband and three daughters, many friends, and foremost God who created us, to abide with me in these darkest of hours. I think this blog will help with the healing, and it was only today that Sarah, now my youngest came up with the idea of a blog. I will be like Arne Bryan, founder of Prayer Canada who at age 94 has learned to use the e-mail, since his head office now moved to Ontario. I instead, will by necessity learn to blog. Arne has left us a copy of his new  book called Arne Bryan Pioneer of Prayer Canada, that  has been published, after Deborah was laid to rest. He promised it to her before her baptism. It says,"To Deborah, God speed child Our darling has gone to be with Him, Jesus. Bless you Arne Bryan."
Deborah felt much comfort in helping an older grandpa figure in her life, making a few meals, going swimming, taking Arne to the Vancouver Board of Trades, and even playing Battleship in our home. She was helping Arne to use his e-mail, and get some basic computer skills prior to him signing up in the library for a tutorial.
By July, Deborah was asking me if her church had a baptismal occasion in the summer. We found out that September would be the earliest, which seemed not to agree with her.  She appeared a little eager to have it done before the fall, and we put our heads together to see what can be arranged. We found out that Arne was ordained to baptize, and upon her request from Arne, a joy of great delight filled their telephone conversation that he would be happy to baptize her. Apparently, she chose the date August 16th,  and a visit to Crescent beach, which included myself Arne and Deborah occured a week before her baptism.  Just to get a feel for the layout of the beach and ocean. We sat on the bench for a little while as the tide was in, and birds flew by. Deborah received some baptismal literature as well from Arne, with scripture highlights as to the meaning and importance of this step of faith.
Deborah was reading her bible months prior to this. She was asking questions, and highlighting many verses. It was later that we found out that she had read through her bible twice in a matter of 7 months. Her moose bookmaker trademarked her steady progress.

I will end my entry here for today, and I just want to let you know  that we welcome everyone's insight, past experiences and knowledge, whether it be professional, or simple folks,  in good faith. Her casket was open for the reason of closure for some, healing for others, but also to illustrate the consequences of our lives, and the inevitable end we will all have to embrace. As our pastor said, at the funeral, we live between the two years, our birth and our death. It is the "dash" that matters in the middle.  

Welcome

This will be the first blog on this page so I think it's appropriate to start off by saying Hello. My name is Sarah and although you may not see many posts from me specifically, this will be my families blog page.

Yesterday, I came across a blog site called 'RockStar Ronan' and was immediately drawn to it. A lady who I have never spoken to before suffered a tragic loss in her family and decided to make a blog to talk about it. And----although our circumstances are very different; in a way, we both are connected by tragedy and loss.

My family hopes to use this blogging platform to reach out to others out there who are suffering with grief and well----just talk about it. Ultimately, in this world, if no one has the courage to step out of their comfort zones and talk, no change will ever happen. We will continue to see individuals suffering with mental health issues in silence.  We will continue to be told little to no information about disability grants for individuals who own a home and could benefit from home grants. Our children may be misdiagnosed and made to feel for the longest time ever that they were 'crazy.' We must let our voices be heard. We must be our own advocates.

You may know someone who is so sad and desperate for help. Someone you have seen isolate themselves from friends, family or even hobbies they may have had.  My 19 year old sister was that young girl so sad and hopeless. She tragically took her own life in August of this year.

The medical system failed her.

Our judicial system failed my family.


I don't want another person to feel like taking their own life is their only hope. It's not.


My family and I hope our blogs will reach someone out there who may have suffered similar tragedy or may be noticing signs that someone they love is in trouble.

Not One More Loved One..


-Sarah