Treaty of Trianon-Hungary's Amputation

The reason I posted the previous blog, was because I wanted to talk about my homeland, and the anti semitism that existed there in the past, and sadly still does today. As a ten year old child who defected from Hungary in 1970 I had no understanding of the historical events of our past. Now, I am asking questions. I did not know who imprisoned my uncle in Siberia, the Russians or the Germans, I only knew that he came back weighing only 45 kg, he was fortunate to be alive. I just now learned, that he was captured by the Russians for having been on the German side, and forced into a labour camp like millions of others in WWII. In 1920, Germany lost the war, and Hungary was with Germany. As a result, the winning parties, especially the French in 1920, June 4 forced a Peace Treaty on Hungary called the Trianoni Peace Treaty., which forced Hungary to give up two thirds of it's land mass. Romania, Russia, Slovakia, Yugoslavia, and even Austria got our land, as a penalty for our involvement in the first war.  Hungary was unfortunately on the side of the Germans for both wars. Horty Miklos, decided to side with Hitler, in the second world war  and as a result, Hungarians were obligated to gather the Jews, to be sent to concentration camps.

Treaty of Trianon

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Treaty of Peace between the Allied and Associated Powers and Hungary
Signing the Treaty on 4 June 1920 at the Grand Trianon Palace in Versailles, Albert Apponyi standing in the middle
Signed	4 June 1920
Location	Versailles, France
Effective	31 July 1921
Signatories	Hungary and Allied and Associated Powers 1. Principal Allied Powers (Entente) France  United States  Italy  Japan  United Kingdom Other Allied Powers[show] 2. Kingdom of Hungary, one of the successors of the former Austria-Hungary, the latter was a member of the Central Powers
Depositary	French Government
Languages	French, English, Italian
Treaty of Trianon at Wikisource

Paris Peace Conference
League of Nations[show]
Treaty of Versailles[show]
Treaty of Saint-Germain-en-Laye[show]
Neuilly-sur-Seine[show]
Treaty of Trianon[show]
Treaty of Sèvres[show]
v t e

The Treaty of Trianon was the peace agreement of 1920 to formally end World War I between most of the Allies of World War I^[1] and the Kingdom of Hungary, the latter one of the successor states to Austria-Hungary.^[2][3][4][5] The treaty regulated the status of an independent Hungarian state and defined its borders. The treaty left Hungary as a landlocked state covering 93,073 square kilometres (35,936 sq mi), only 28% of the 325,411 square kilometres (125,642 sq mi) that had constituted the pre-war Kingdom of Hungary (the Hungarian half of the Austro-Hungarian monarchy). Its population was 7.6 million, only 36% of the pre-war kingdom's population of 20.9 million.^[6] The areas that were allocated to neighbouring countries in total (and each of them separately) possessed a majority of non-Hungarian population, but 31% of Hungarians (3.3 million)^[7] were left outside of post-Trianon Hungary.^[8][9][10] Five of the pre-war kingdom's ten largest cities were drawn into other countries. The treaty limited Hungary's army to 35,000 officers and men, while the Austro-Hungarian Navy ceased to exist.
The principal beneficiaries of the treaty's territorial division were the Kingdom of Romania, Czechoslovakia, and the Kingdom of Serbs, Croats and Slovenes (Yugoslavia). One of the main elements of the treaty was the doctrine of "self-determination of peoples" and it was an attempt to give the non-Hungarians their own national states.^[11] In addition, Hungary had to pay war reparations to its neighbours. The treaty was dictated by the Allies rather than negotiated and the Hungarians had no option but to accept its terms.^[11] The Hungarian delegation signed the treaty under protest^[8][12] on 4 June 1920 at the Grand Trianon Palace in Versailles, France. The treaty was registered in League of Nations Treaty Series on 24 August 1921.^[13]
The modern boundaries of Hungary are the same as those defined by the Treaty of Trianon except for three villages that were transferred to Czechoslovakia in 1947.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mikl%C3%B3s_Horty

Under the admiral  Horty Miklos, in 1930, Hitler promised that if Hungary stands with  him, then they will give back our land that was taken in 1920, and we stood with him. Horty did not want Hitler to trample down Hungary so he let him in without a fight. Later Horty realized that Hitler did not keep his word, and he wished to leave the agreemet he made with Hitler. Horty realized that he was powerless to protect the Jews, and by the hundreds of thousands the Hungarian soldiers were sent to their death, to Russia. Hitler then captured Horty's son Horty Istvan and held him as ransom. Then the Hungarian Nacis,(called nyilas-ok as they were called)  took Horty out of power and Szalasi Ferenc became the new Hungarian leader.He sided with Hitler till the very end of the war. Seeing this, Hitler did give back Romania, Slovakia etc, so in turn Hungarians gathered all the Jews for his favour, and they got herded into cattle trains and taken to horrible concentration camps most of whom died there. Back to history.....included is a short video in respect to those days, 20 years later we regained the "big" Hungary in 1940 uder Horty Miklos' leadership. This is why we made a pact with Germany. This is why the people of Erdely awaited the Hungarian army, and were rejoicing that they would now be free from the opression of the Romanians. Unfortunatley, they are still suffering in Romania today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qasEPtZj1kQ

KOLOZSVÁR 1940. szept. 11.a Magyar Királyi Honvédség Dicsőséges Bevonulása

The live accounts below illustrate the extent of what women did to avoid being raped by the armies from the east. Distorting themselves, not washing, wearing old scarves and shawls, covering themselves with coal dust were often used techniques. This movie reveals how and why approximately 200,000 women were savagely defiled and raped by the Ukranian army.  See the "Silenced Shame"  below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrFv4dGym0k

Elhallgatott gyalázat / HD /

The Curse Behind the Holocaust

The Curse Behind the Holocaust

Posted by: Reverend Mama  /  Category: Bio, Content Related To The Jewish People, Faith, Grace, Repost

I am posting this article because I value the content. I believe that these accounts should be recorded, lest we forget.

The Spiritual Roots of Anti-Semitism
by Mary Nahas
Throughout the ages, the Jewish people have been through the most horrendous and ongoing persecution in history. But, what’s it all about? Why the Jews? Did God care that millions suffered and died in the camps? An Israeli rabbi said that when you count the miracles that occur in your life during tragedy, a message from God will emerge. When my father counted the miracles of his life and realized his story contained the answers to those questions, he asked me to tell his story for the benefit of those who suffered in the camps.
Johnny grew up under the strong arm of an Italian immigrant who made him work so hard on the farm his fingers would bleed. One day it snowed, so he ran to the river to see if any of his childhood friends were ice-skating in their shoes. But, it was so cold that day not a soul had come out to play. “I knew better than to step out onto the ice alone,” he said, “but the voice of temptation kept saying, ‘Go ahead. Skate all the way out to the middle. It will be fun!’”
Johnny stepped out onto the ice and skated to almost the middle of the river when a soft spot gave way and he fell through the ice. “I started to panic because I had held my breath for quite a while and I needed to breathe. I needed air,” he said. “I remember thinking, ‘I’m going to die and my family will never know what happened to me. My mother still cries for her children who died. If I die here under the ice, she won’t even know what happened to me. It will kill her… my poor mother.’”
What he said next is astounding: “That was the last thing I remember thinking under the water, when I found myself laying on the ground beside the water. For the life of me, I don’t know how I got out of the water and onto the banks of the river! I looked to see if someone had left footprints so I could follow them and thank who rescued me, but there was only one set of footprints in the snow and they were mine.”
Johnny had no idea he was saved from the river for what he would accomplish twenty years later during World War II.
On April 4, 1945, Private John M. Galione of the 104th Infantry Division smelled an odor that plagued him with a gut feeling to search for prisoners: “Something kept telling me to follow the trains,” he said. After several hours of following the trains, he was about to turn around and abort the mission when a strong force pushed him: “I turned around to see who pushed me, but nobody was there. It was like somebody had shoved me, grabbed me at the elbows, and pushed me forward. I don’t even know where my energy was coming from. My legs were tired, but something was making me walk, telling me to keep following the trains; and somehow it gave me the strength to keep going.”
Following the trains for five days led Private Galione to the most secret and hidden camp in Germany. From August of 1943 to April of 1945, slave labourers from Buchenwald and other camps were forced to manufacture the world’s first ballistic missiles in underground caves. Under the hands of brutal Nazis, the prisoners were hung, beaten, starved, and tortured until they dropped by their machines. Fresh victims from Buchenwald replaced the dead. Those who learned of their impending transfer to Dora simply killed themselves before having to board the transfer wagons.
When my father radioed liberating troops to Camp Dora on April 11, he recognized God’s effort to expose the remaining camps and to save the dying first. The troops he called to Dora got lost and ended up at Nordhausen’s Boelcke Kaserne Death Camp, where the weakest from Camp Dora had been dumped and left to die. Then, Buchenwald was found because the prisoners of Dora were from Buchenwald. Moreover, before the discovery of Dora the military objective was to kill Germans and get to Hitler, not find camps. But when the Pentagon received word that slave labourers were making missiles in a concentration camp, the military objective changed to a diligent search for remaining camps and weapons.
As the American Army and its Allies saved the remnant of Jews from the camps, the United States received the technology that made her the most powerful nation in the world. Under the codename of Operation Paperclip, Pentagon officials ordered the confiscation of the missiles and the German scientists who had created them. They were transferred to America and became the nucleus of ABMA and NASA, where they developed the high-tech weapons and spaceships that gave us our satellites and took us to the moon.
Camp Dora was located in the Russian zone of occupation. In God’s wisdom, he sent Private Galione to beat the Russians to Camp Dora in order to prevent them from making an exclusive capture of German missile technology. However, having the two nations “share” the technology caused world peace through the threat of mutual destruction. Through satellite technology one nation couldn’t move without the other seeing. Through missile technology, one nation couldn’t strike without it resulting in their own national destruction.
Here is food for thought… Since the Russians are helping the terrorists today, one has to wonder whether Israel would have ever become a nation had the Russians discovered Camp Dora rather that the United States.
Although my father’s war effort changed world history, he grieved for many years over those who suffered and died making the first rockets. To add to their suffering, people said that God wanted Jews to suffer and die in the camps due to their rejection of Christ; others said He needed the ultimate sacrifice for sin. Over a lifetime of pondering the events, my father drew the conclusion that the Holocaust was born of evil:
“What I saw in Germany made a believer out of me that God has an adversary who hates the Jews. Even though there were many other people besides Jews who suffered in the war, the purpose of the war was all about eliminating the Jews. That’s how it all started. The hate the Nazis had for the Jews was not even a normal hate, like when you hate somebody. It was evil. They didn’t just want them dead; they wanted them to suffer in the most horrible ways. I could believe the Jews are God’s people after seeing how much hate there was for them, and the evil things done to them, and for no reason.”
In my quest to identify this “adversary” I searched the tanakh and a motive for premeditated murder emerged that reveals the mastermind behind anti-Semitism and the demise of countless Jews throughout the ages. While the Scriptures say Abraham was God’s friend and the Jews are the apple of His eye, it has gone unnoticed that Lucifer was the apple of God’s eye well before Abraham:
“Thou sealest up the sum, full of wisdom, and perfect in beauty. Thou hast been in Eden the garden of God; every precious stone was thy covering… Thou art the anointed cherub that covereth; and I have set thee so” (Ezekiel 28:12-15; Isaiah 41:8; Zec. 2:8). Then, Lucifer betrayed God: “I will exalt my throne above the stars of God… I will be like the most High” (Isaiah 14:13-14). All Scripture is quoted from the King James Version

Incredibly, the motive behind Lucifer’s hatred for Abraham and the Jews is found in the comparison of God’s reaction to their sin: The Scriptures say the Lucifer (light-bearer) was stripped of his rank and referred to as “Adversary,” he was cast away, his seed destroyed, cursed to humiliation, brought to ashes, tormented, never to be anymore, brought down to hell to the sides of the pit, and cast in the lake of fire (Ezek. 28:16-19, Rev. 12:10; Gen. 6; Isaiah 14:15; Rev. 20:10).
However, God called Abraham “my friend,” renamed him “father of a multitude” and said “I have chosen thee and not cast thee away… make thy seed as the sand of the sea… make thy name great… they shall be My people and I will be their God… prosper… be a blessing… bring them to a land flowing with milk and honey… all families of the earth would be blessed through Abraham’s seed, the Messiah!” (Isaiah 41:8; Gen. 32:12; Gen. 12: 2; Gen. 17:8; Exodus 3:8; Gen. 12:3; Gal. 3:8, 14-18).
In this light, one can see that the Adversary worked to place his curse onto the children of Israel. In the holocaust, Jews were “cast away, seed destroyed, brought to humiliation, brought to ashes, tormented, thrown in the fire, and never to be anymore.” He is furious that he was doomed to burn in the lake of fire and given no hope of redemption; yet, Abraham and the Jewish people were given the opportunity to reunite with God through burnt sacrifice, then later through the Messiah: “And when the dragon [Satan] saw that he was cast unto the earth, he persecuted the woman [Israel] which brought forth the male child” (Yeshua the Messiah; Rev. 12:13-14).
Lucifer was livid that God not only gave the Jewish people a way of redemption, but He referred to the burnt sacrifices of the children of Israel as “a sweet smelling savour.” That’s when I realized that the crematoriums, with their stacks smoking day and night toward the nostrils of God, were born of the spiteful mind of His jealous enemy to mock the sweet smelling savour of the burnt sacrifice and pierce the heart of God with an agonizing reminder that he was not offered redemption like the children of Israel!
When I asked my father “Who pushed you by the trains and led you to the camp?” he replied: “When the Force pushed me to keep me from turning around, I had not yet actually turned around. I was only thinking of turning around. That’s when I realized it had to be God Himself who was behind it, because only God could have known what I was thinking; only God knows our thoughts.”
After the war, my father was blessed with seven children and grandchildren who were born every twenty years on the anniversary date of the liberation of the people he saved. He believed that God spent a lifetime building a memorial through these births, because He wanted survivors and those who lost loved ones to know that He was behind their rescue and that He loved them and never wanted them to suffer and die in the camps.

Roses for Deborah by Monique

by Monique Dosanjh

Tribute to my gift of love and friendship, Deborah Gordon: Our souls lay bereft of your pure Christlike love for far too long, When God had long planned to place you gently in our home when you were only eleven. We hardly noticed at the time, for you were a part of our family from the start it seemed. There you were, Child of Christ from heaven. Your friendship and love taught us to think beyond ourselves, yet you loved us as if we were all there was. Your legacy of Christlike love was mirrored throughout our home and your precious smile, laughter, joy, and kindness reached into every corner of our home and heart!! So A baby girl's cry, A friend's needs, A sister's hand, Somehow, I missed all those and the horrors of evil came too close to you. Now I lay at your feet roses as we have all fallen with you, Yellow roses for how I will do my best to befriend and love ohters who need me, Red for remembering to love like you, Peach roses for your sweet wisdom, White for doing everything in purity with grace, Purple for the endless hours of fun and honor you gave us, and all the colors in between for all the promise you held. Our souls ache, but they are not bereft of your love in our hearts. I praise the Lord for creating you and proclaim a million times over, "Oh Taste and see that the Lord is Good." And I curse all the evil spirits that led you into paths not set for you, Deborah Gordon, Though taken from family, friends, faith, and hope to fulfill all God's plans for your life, I pray the Lord reminds us to lour love the same way you did into my life and that of my son. My dear friend and sister in Christ and so much more forever until we meet in heaven.
 Monique

Deborah's Pink Quilt

As a family gift this year, we received a quilt in memory of Deborah.  This is no ordinary quilt. It is pink with photo patches of Deborah's life, revealing her nineteen years of precious life. The photo's emerge into the shape of a heart, with little pink and white heart shapped buttons to adorn the quilt. Scripture verses adorn the edges, reading the following from : Revelations 21 verse 4,He will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. ⁴ ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
 Psalm 23 verse 6, Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Matthew chapter 5 verse 4 Blessed are they that mourn:  for they shall be comforted.
The above verses all had great significances to her life, and I believe she is wearing the crown of life now promised to those who loved Him, Revelations chapter 2 verse 10. The scripture verse on her stone. 
The under side has a baby pink sweet fuzzy feel, which gives added warmth and comfort to us. I have no idea of the hours of planning sewing and going to Fabricland that it took, to complete this project. Our family forever will treasure it. We consider it a work of art, and now we simply have to finish our work here before we see her again.

Teaching ESL

I will be teaching English as a second language starting mid January. This will be a beginners group,and since I never taught such a group from a mandated book, it will be interesting if we understand each other. I have experience teaching intermediate groups, but this one will be special. I do this on a volunteer basis at a local church. The students come from Mexico, South Korea, Iraq, Germany, and now primarily from Syria I believe. At first I tought it would be too soon, after Deborah's passing. However, I will try and see. At least it will get me out of the house once a week. I found this article about citizenship that I thought was intersting, and used by permission from Patricia Mclelland.

My Citizenship

Posted by: Reverend Mama  /  Category: 

July 31, 2014 is the official date on my new Irish passport. This makes me a citizen of a country I have never seen or visited. I am being accorded this privilege because my father was born in the Union Workhouse, Tipperary, Ireland. Since the 1990′s my son, Nate, and daughter, Niki, have been searching for his birth records and until recently they were unable to locate them. Recently the Workhouse put their records online and Nate searched plus or minus five years on the date of dad’s birth and struck gold. My children have invested time and money to gather all the necessary documents, and after the paperwork was done, I am the beneficiary of a new citizenship in the land of my father’s birth. I am receiving the gift of lawful belonging to a nation a continent and an ocean away from where I was born, raised and still living.
This was a journey we have taken together. Along the way we found facts that didn’t fit what I had been led to believe in the family stories. For instance, we were unsure if the birth record we found for dad would be accepted as his, because in Canada he had given his birth date as May 15, 1904, and the workhouse had recorded his birth as June 16, 1902. How could this be? And would the Irish government accept this as proof of his birth with this discrepancy?
Nate kept searching, even while we were moving ahead with the paperwork. He searched a document that Niki had found years earlier. It was dad’s immigration interview, when he landed in Halifax in 1930. In that document, under ‘date of birth’ there was a notation that said, “he thought he was born ‘about’ 1904.” A copy of this document was included in the package we submitted. This showed the Irish government that he was unsure of his own date of birth. Thankfully, they accepted this evidence and in record time they posted the date my passport would be issued on their website.
Just as an aside, here is another gem we discovered. Dad had always told me that his mother’s name was Kathleen McNamara and his father’s name was John. And, his eldest brother was named John after their father. On dad’s birth record, his father’s name is listed as Thomas (although they called him John); and on his mother’s birth certificate her name is listed as Kate.
Record keeping over 100 years ago, was not as it is today. And even those involved did not always keep an accurate memory of dates. After seven boys, Kate was not clear on the month and day of each child’s birth. Dad’s facts were half truths, but contained enough information for us to actually sort out reality from suppositions. Enough to be useful, but I in no way think I have all the information. What we found was enough to satisfy the legal requirements of the government of Ireland, and it has declared me an “off shore born” citizen of that country, and my passport will be issued today (July 31st). As I meditated on the process, the information we found and the granting of my rights as a citizen of a country I have never seen, I couldn’t help but draw a parallel to my citizenship in the Kingdom of God, and about how many times the Church has made suppositions and half-truths that it thinks fit the Truths of Scripture, and how many of these conjectures create conflict within the Church and hold back others who would want a God who is defined as Unconditional Love and Full of Grace for sinners. A God who wants to grant all mankind citizenship in His Kingdom that they have never seen.
I am a citizen of the Kingdom of God and His Dear Son, Jesus. I have never visited or seen this Kingdom (in the natural sense). I know there is a Promised Land, but like Moses, I have only glimpsed it. He saw it in the distance from a mountain top in the natural, just before he died. I have only seen it through the descriptions of what I have in it now, and awaits me there, that I find in the Bible and I see that country by faith.
I am a citizen of the Kingdom of God because my Heavenly Father has declared me His Child by adoption. He provided the legal requirements in sending His Only Begotten Son, Jesus, to take my place and remove the roadblocks between me and my citizenship.
The Gospel written by John, chapter 1  (KJV) 1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 The same was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. 4 In him was life; and the life was the light of men. 5 And the light shone in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not… 9 That was the true Light, which lights every man that comes into the world. 10 He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not. 11 He came unto his own, and his own received him not. 12 But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name: 13 Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God. 14 And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father,) full of grace and truth.
This scripture is telling us about Jesus. The written Word of God, the Holy Bible, in the New Testament, provides the answers to the legal requirements. Our sins are paid for by His (Jesus) Righteous sacrifice for all mankind’s sins by His death on the cross. Not just for me, but the sins of the whole world were on that cross with that sinless Lamb of God, who at the appointed time, was atoning for all sin. Verse 12 in the passage above this paragraph, “but to as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons (by adoption) of God, even to them that believe on his name.” That name is Jesus. If you have never received Him, the key is a simple, from-the-heart prayer of acceptance that will file your paperwork, and you become not only an off-shore birth (born-again) citizen of God’s Kingdom, but you become a son of God by adoption into His family. You become a son of the Most High God with all the rights and privileges that go with royalty. You are not just a sinner saved by His Grace, you become a King and a Priest of the Kingdom and the Creator of the Universe is now your Heavenly Dad who promised to love you unconditionally until you arrive at the home He has prepared just for you.
We all know that controversy has divided the church over two millennia. Different denominations dot the spiritual landscape and each has their particular slant on how the “facts” are presented. Some of these churches were born in the fire of revivals where certain Truths were being restored to the Body of Christ (another name for believers). These groups gathered around their new understanding and named the denominations after what was restored. Examples are the Presbyterian Church (restored understanding of the laying on of hands), the Baptist Church (which has numerous branches who are divided on their understanding of other basic doctrines but agree on baptism by emersion.), the Methodists (who learned that God requires us to live as purely as we are able) and the Pentecostals  (who received the restored understanding of the role of the Holy Spirit in a Christian’s personal life and in the Church). There are others, but you get the idea. Each time Holy Spirit restored a truth that was lost to the Church in the Dark Ages, the groups declared themselves a separate religion. This is very sad as God wants all of us, everywhere to gather around the fullness of the good news (gospel) and not argue over individual doctrines with human understanding. Each of these restored Truths were for all of the Church. They were to be added to the understanding of fullness in God, picked up and added, not a reason for separation.
Unfortunately, some denominations are very dogmatic about their version of the “facts.” We need to consider each other in love and recognize that we have differences of opinions. But the only opinion that counts is God’s. IF we seek Truth, we will find it. But if what Holy Spirit is speaking seems to conflict with what tradition has taught us, too often we hold fast to mere suppositions and not Truth. We are all on a spiritual journey together and the Body of Christ is not meant to be chopped up and divided. The Bible says that a house divided against itself will not stand. It appears the devil was listening and not the Church. Love covers a multitude of sins and loved ones should cover each other during the growing into one mind and spirit that we are called to, in Christ. This all comes back to half-truths and suppositions. If a Christian believes the Bible is the Word of God, reads it, acts the way we are instructed to in it, loves God and his fellow man, that person is walking towards home. A child learning to walk is not cast out or abandon by loving parents when they fail to walk perfectly the first time. Milestones are celebrated as victories! The missteps are strengthened by the outstretched hands of the adults. We are told to help the weak and to lift one another up in the Word of God.
So it is as God watches over us and the Holy Spirt abides with us to train us up as sons of God, and Jesus sits at the right hand of our Heavenly Father and intercedes for us constantly; NOTHING can separate us from our home and destiny in God’s Kingdom. IF we receive it all by a simple prayer of faith. File your papers, your passport will be issued even if you don’t know all the facts and only have some half-truths to start with and even if you have never glimpsed the homeland before. God is waiting for you to come home (not die, but to just become a citizen for now, the best and rest will come later). Holy Spirit will come to you and be your guide from the moment you ask Him to join you on your journey.
Ultimately, the only Truth we have is the Holy Bible. We have Jesus telling us in it, that He alone is the Way, the Truth and the Life, and no one comes to our Heavenly Father unless we come through Him (and believe that what He did on the cross was for us.). But He also promises that if we ask, Holy Spirit will teach us in all things.
Here is a sample prayer you can use, or just speak your words from your heart. He will hear and He will respond. Since the day you were born God has been waiting for you to call out to Him and be born-again into His Kingdom.
“Heavenly Father, I believe what I have just read about You and Your love for me. I want to come home to You and live in the Kingdom you have prepared for me. I ask you to forgive me my sins and I accept Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross to pay for them. Thank you, Jesus. Holy Spirit, please come into my life and teach me how to be a Kingdom citizen and help me to understand Truth in all its fulness. Amen”
How to get started? Glad you asked.
1. Get a Bible. (Not a Mormon or a Jehovah’s Witnesses Version.) There are many good ones. Biblegateway.com even has Bible Apps or online ones you can read to decide what version you would like to read. Start in the New Testament. That is the Churches instruction manual. Try John, or Mark to start with.
2. Tell someone that you have prayed this prayer.
3. If you don’t know any Christians, find a church where you feel comfortable and accepted. One where they preach the Bible. It is your job to check the facts they give you against what the Bible says. If they tell you stuff that is not in the Bible, or opposed to what the Bible says. Run for the door as fast as you can. There are many good churches and God will lead you to one, IF you ask.
4. Talk to God. Pray without ceasing is what the Bible says to do. That means keep the conversation going with God. And don’t do all the talking, give Him time to respond.
5. Expect God to intervene in your life. The Bible says we miss out on blessings because we forget to ask. When I was young, I expected my father to provide for me. If I wanted something I asked. My Heavenly Father never lets me down either, and He will do the same for you.

http://www.reverendmama.com/

Save a Place for Me

http://youtu.be/zbsBUf9VKyc

Az enek neve: foglalj le egy helyet nekem (A Mennyorszagban), mert en is nemsoka ottan leszek.

Save a Place for Me by Matthew West

A Mom's Challenge on Facebook

"Merry Christmas everyone!
Today is the day where you ought to delight in giving not receiving! We have so much to be grateful for and so many gifts to open/receive. Let's put a new spin on it and see what happens....
This one is for the kids especially!
Before you start snap chatting and instagramming your friends this beautiful morn. Tell/show them what you Gave rather than what you got! Take pictures of those things you gave rather than receivedCapture the joy and happiness of faces on camera today for these are things you will treasure forever. Things are just things, but Loving people and being loved is the best gift of all."


I love how a mother captured the spirit of the holidays and life, and challenged our children to take photo's of how they blessed others. I have often thought of all the enless photo's that we post on those things running through our digestive system, and how temporary and short lived that is. I pray that we don't get caught up in that. Truly, the only thing we can take with us to eternity, after all is what we have done for Christ. Even if we give a glass of water to the thirsty, that is noted in His books. Lately, I have particularly been observant of the many rewards Christ wishes to shower on us. He did say "His reward is with Him". I came accross a video clip of the seven crowns that are available to us, that he is willing and ready to give us. I personally do not wish to miss a single one. Here is a link to Allan Horvath's brief discussion about those crowns.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BB2hLcqQZ_w


I am soooo proud of myself, I did not step out the doors on this boxing day this year, 2014. Below is a link to Recovery Canada's Newsletters, and Recovery International, one of whose members came to the town hall meeting this fall. It is a wonderful support group for people suffering from depression.

http://recoverycanada.org/
 http://www.recoveryinternationalusa.org/about-us/

RI Versions of Christmas Songs

Deck the Halls

Face, tolerate and endure

Fa La La La La La La La La

Insecure thoughts to secure

Fa La La La La La La La La

We can break those old thought habits

Fa La La La, La La La, La La La

Stop and spot and endorse.

Fa La La La La La La La La

Silver Bells

Getting Well, Getting Well, It’s Christmas time in Recovery.

Getting Well, Getting well, Try Fail, Try Fail, and Succeed.

Feelings aren’t facts, Do things in part acts and be sure to Endorse.

If you want to reduce all your symptoms.

Replace insecure thoughts with secure thoughts, the Recovery way.

Then move muscles all over the town.

Getting Well, Getting Well, It’s Christmas time in Recovery.

Getting Well, Getting well, Try Fail, Try Fail, and Succeed.

December Post: Golden Quill-by Lanny Townsend

December 2014

December was a hard month for me. It was a month of crisis, particularly for my faith. Many things came to a head, and it looked like my faith was going to fail, but God, who is faithful, came through and supplied a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
Who are my enemies? Mostly myself, my flesh. My flesh is a more troublesome and deadier enemy than satan or the world ever can be.
We run a race against the world, the flesh, and the devil, and if we don't win that race, we die.
This is what the Bible says about our race:

"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified."
[1 Corinthians 9:24 – 26]

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
[Hebrews 12:1 – 3]

I was losing heart. It wasn't so much that I was dealing with persecution, but rather that it looked like my dreams were crumbling to dust. What do you do when loved ones whose salvation and deliverance you have believed for seem to be going backwards instead of forwards? What do you do when you seem to be moving farther away from a promise you have believed for many years?

This is what the Lord says:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
[Proverbs 3:5 &: 6]

I read a really interesting biography this month, about an American Olympic runner named Louis Zamperini. You can read the book for free at this LINK. It is called Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand. But the title isn't really true. Louie was broken; the things he experienced took a toll on him, but God healed him.
Louie was a BRAT. Oh boy! You wanna talk about chemical balances? I think that this kid had 'em. He would have definitely been diagnosed as having a defiance disorder, if he was born a few decades later. He tore all over town picking locks and stealing food from other people's kitchens, performing unauthorized collection of coins from pay phones, running cons on various citizenry, and many other types of mischief. And this is what he was doing before he even got to his teens!
Who would have ever thought that Louie would be an Olympic runner? Every girl could beat him in a race when he was a little guy, as he suffered from the effects of pneumonia. And because he was a funny–looking kid, bullies picked on him. Who would have ever thought that he would grow into being a handsome man whom the girls thought was dreamy? His parents were poor and he lived in a shabby neighbourhood. Who would have thought that he would marry a beautiful girl from a wealthy family?
It seems that God has a peculiar fondness for "dark horses." A dark horse is one that most people would never put a bet on; it doesn't look like there is any hope that it would win a race.
Louie was definitely a dark horse, but getting chased all over town by the local police made him get better at running, and when he was fourteen, his older brother Pete persuaded him to start running track. He was also persuaded by the fact that, in those days, the authorities sometimes sent kids who were considered trouble makers to asylums and forcibly sterilized them. He realized that there was a real possibility that this could happen to him because it nearly happened to a neighbourhood kid who was labelled as "feeble–minded." The boy was saved from this through the frantic efforts of his parents, supported by donations from neighbours for the legal fees. Also, Louie's siblings tutored the boy and helped him earn straight A's on his report card.
In the beginning, Louie really hated running, but it was his attraction to girls that triggered an interest; he wanted to impress them, and then he became intoxicated by the applause when he won the races. Eventually, he made it onto the 1936 Olympic team, competing in Munich. He came eighth in his race, but made a surprising finish, running faster on the last lap than anyone had timed before. Hitler congratulated him on this feat and Louie achieved a bit more fame after that by stealing Hitler's personal flag.
In 1938, Louie ran a race that stands out to me as an example of how our competitors in the race of life, the world, the flesh, and the devil, run against us. Louie was warned before the race that the other runners were going to play dirty; they knew he was the runner who was likely to win, unless they gave him some serious handicaps.
Halfway through the race, to keep him from breaking out ahead, the runners crowded around him on the track, one of them stomped on his foot, spiking his toe, he was slashed in the shins with the spikes at the bottom of their shoes, and another one elbowed him in the chest, cracking his rib. Louie was bleeding and in an agony of pain, much to the horrified consternation of the onlooking crowd who witnessed these dirty tricks. Louie had to run a lap and a half before he could find a tiny opening where he could break free. Then he poured on the speed and came in first, setting a record that stood for fifteen years before it was broken.
The devil plays dirty, and so does the world. As for the flesh, it will do anything it can to get what it wants. It will buy into any lame excuse that satan suggests to our mind to justify doing what it wants to do. It will run roughshod over many fine counter arguments as to why we shouldn't do the things that it wants us to do. I've lost many battles with Self–gratification.
These are not battles that most other humans would consider to be a scandal; just things that the Lord has convicted me that I shouldn't do, which many Christians don't consider that big of a deal, such as how Esau didn't consider it a big deal that he sold his birthright for a mess of pottage. But these "little things" that we give way on nibble away at things we could have accomplished on Earth and rewards in Heaven that we could have enjoyed. How much of our inheritance have we forfeited by squandering the precious time that God has given us on things that do not profit? And on things that can send us heading into the wrong direction in life and make our love for God grow cold?
Many times, the good arguments came up, to deter me from becoming cold towards God, but they seemed to leave me unmoved. I thought, "What is wrong with me?" When you ask that question of yourself a lot, and sift through the possible answers, there is a good chance that you can get to the root of the problem. In my case, it has been an evil heart of unbelief.
As I reflected on this, it came to me that one of the reasons unbelief is so evil is that it can make a heart grow cold, and the light of our testimony to go out. Unbelief fosters discouragement. When we don't see the miracles we have been believing for, we can sink into depression, if we don't keep things in the proper perspective. And besides that, it is evil to not believe God, who cannot lie or do anything that is unholy. It is an insult to Him.
Last night, I was thinking about all the prayers I have prayed that seem to have gone nowhere, such as believing for a release of power to minister healing to others. There are so many needy people in this world who need the intervention of God. We hear about marvellous miracles happening in crusades, and in other circumstances, but there are millions of people who are being tormented by sickness and injuries and deformities and scars, more than the outstanding healing evangelists can reach. Every Christian needs to be activated in their faith, in order to bring a higher level of relief to satan's attacks against humanity.
I was feeling like a failure because of lack of prayer (according to my standards for myself), lack of enough passion for prayer, because of my housekeeping (my place isn't a disaster, but it's not always up to my standards), because of my weight gain, because of my aging, and still not having realized my dreams.
My kids aren't saved, yet. What is taking them so long? Is it because I haven't prayed enough for them, or because my faith isn't unhindered enough by doubt and unbelief? Major condemnation here. I think I probably prayed more for them, though, than my mother did for me.
I got saved in my teens and my children are in their thirties, but they have not yet committed their lives to the Lord. I worked hard to set a good example for them and for my grandchildren, once I got on track with God after several backslidings, and to teach them the Word every chance where I saw an opening. Sometimes there was only enough time to dart in and say a short piece, then back off before I got shredded.
A printed copy of Jeremiah 31: 16 & 17 has been on my wall for many years:

"Thus says the Lord, Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears; for your work will be rewarded, declares the Lord, And they will return from the land of the enemy. There is hope for your future, declares the Lord, And your children will return to their own territory."

One time I was mashing a pomegranate, and the juice splashed onto this little poster, which is tacked to my kitchen wall. A blob that looked like an exclamation mark landed right after where it says, "And your work shall be rewarded." The splatter of juice is faded, but still quite evident.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
[Hebrews 11:1]

That sweet little sign from the Lord carried me for many years, but the Bible also says in Proverbs 13:12 that hope deferred makes the heart sick. I've been through ups and downs. I was preparing to go to Israel in January and then got broadsided by a family situation that seems to have derailed those plans. Okay, so this was a serious problem, but I encouraged myself with the slogan, "Don't tell God how big your problem is; tell your problem how big your God is."
I also encouraged myself from Psalm 27:13 &: 14:

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord."

But I didn't wait on the Lord. In my waiting, I got discouraged and escaped off to Lalaland, losing myself in fantasy, trying to create a perfect world in my head where my heart's desires were fulfilled. And found out, yet again, that my heart's desires need to be changed. Some of them aren't so good. They certainly aren't realistic.
It has been such an eye–opening experience. Who can I blame this time? I went there in the last years of my marriage, discouraged because my husband was an alcoholic, and because of our arguments and his other behaviours that were hard on the kids and me, but this time around, I had nobody living with me, nobody in my immediate vicinity to cause me stress. Nobody's messes to clean up but my own. Nobody nagging me.
And what is the big deal about my deferred hopes? What are they compared to the Christians who are sitting in cold, lonely prisons, tortured daily? What are my deferred hopes compared to the Christians in Nigeria and other places who are grieving over slaughtered loved ones? It has been a humbling experience, leaving me feeling like I'm not the hot Christian that I thought I was.
Fantasizing can be an addiction. It can turn a person into a mental case. I read a newspaper article once entitled A Dustship Called Glory. It was about some old duffer in a mental institution who was, for the most part, catatonic, but every now and then, he would make an enthusiastic outcry, indicating that he had a very vivid and lively inner world where he acted out fantastic feats of daring and adventure. The writer wrote in great admiration of the man's vivid imagination, as if he had found an appropriate solution to the dreariness and defeats of his life. I thought, "What a waste! Living in a fantasy world where Self–gratification is king, and doing nobody else any good in this life."
I still feel the same way, but, like I said, the arguments of common sense weren't getting me out of my Slough of Despond. They reached out a hand and helped me climb halfway out, long enough to do some good to benefit others, then I'd slip back again in the mire, over and over.
Unbelief is a weight that so easily besets us. We feed on the world's lies when we watch movies and read novels that subtly promote this mindset. I watched a seemingly wholesome western where a mother was teaching her children to read, using the Bible, and the passage was the begats from Genesis. One of the kids said scornfully to the other child that people don't live for 960 years. The mother quickly interjected, "It's just a story," and then moved on to the next topic. Do you think the phrase "It's just a story," wasn't placed there deliberately? Think again. Movies are one method of transportation into Lalaland, and the brakes on that mode of travel have been tampered with, embedded with messages that are contrary to God's Word. Without a vision, the people perish (cast off discipline), and unbelief is a serious hindrance to having faith in God.
Consider the heart–warming stories about people coming to terms with illness and handicaps and death. Have you ever seen any of the characters in those movies rise up with a mighty prayer of faith and the sick being healed supernaturally? Of course not. Most people don't consider that "realistic" because they don't take the Bible seriously. Those movies don't help us take it seriously.
My failure to see the answers to my prayers manifested has been fed by not keeping my mind on the Lord. I could argue that for many long stretches of time, I have kept my mind on the Lord, and still not seen the answers manifested. At least, not all of them, but the Lord reminded me, "You have had miracles, though. I healed your jaw when it was dislocated, your knee from stretched ligaments, your eyes from tearing up because of dryness due to aging, from carpal tunnel syndrome, from a frozen shoulder; you have seen the answer to many prayers; just not all of them. It's not that you don't have any faith; you just need to grow more in your faith."
Growing pains. I've been having growing pains, and whining like a baby about it, throwing a tantrum by turning to escapism, instead of to the Lord. It is in my hands to turn things around, by getting back to waiting on the Lord. Have I not had enough faith? Faith comes by hearing a Word from God. I can renew my mind by reading the Bible more and thinking on it. That was one of the things I let slip this month, and the result was a disaster! I saw a really catchy slogan on Facebook that makes quite an impact: "God doesn't make winners or losers; He makes choosers."
We have it in us to be winners, if we choose Jesus and His ways.
The Bible says to trust in the Lord with ALL our heart, and to not lean to our own understanding. A friend ministered that word to me in 1986, when I went through a nervous breakdown after my husband left me, and that word got me through the nervous breakdown and victorious to the other side of it. So much weird stuff was happening, but I trusted in the Lord, and He gave me a new life, though there were people who thought (and hoped) I was going down for the count.
There were many times that Louie Zamperini looked like he was going down for the count. He wasn't a Christian until later in life, and it is amazing how patient God was with him in all his foibles, and how merciful He was in keeping Louie alive. Louie was in the army airforce during World War II and his plane went down over the ocean. He miraculously survived from drowning, as he had been tangled in some wires and there looked like no possibilty of getting free of them. He passed out, and when he came to, the wires were gone and he was floating in a pocket of air.
After he found his way out of the plane wreckage, and popped to the surface, he discovered that only two other men had survived the crash. They got into their life rafts and endured many hard days without water or food, being circled by sharks. It rained from time to time, they caught some birds and fish, and eventually one of the men died. There was also an occasion when Louie was in the water and fought off sharks by making his eyes grow wider, baring his teeth, and biffing the sharks on the nose. He was a quite a guy!
After more than forty days adrift, Louie and his friend, the pilot, who was a Christian, came to an island, where they were picked up by the Japanese. They underwent imprisonment, deprivation, and torture. At one camp, a sadistic Japanese officer made Louie his number one project because he was jealous of Louie's fame as an Olympic runner, and because Louie was so defiant, regardless of anything that the man did to him.
When Louie returned to America after the war, he was hailed as a great hero and got caught up in a whirlwind of speaking tours because so many people wanted to lade him with honours. But he suffered from post traumatic stress disorder, which he tried to deal with through alcohol. Then his wife got saved at a Billy Graham meeting and tricked him into attending the crusade. Louie got saved and God instantly delivered him from PTSD. He later went to Japan and spoke at a prison where some of the guards from the concentration camp were serving sentences, and he extended forgiveness to all of them. He even extended his forgiveness to the officer who had made him his special object on which to vent his malice.
This story sure gave me hope for my kids and grandkids. Who would have thunk that such a troublesome little brat would have such a shining testimony as a Christian? And it is so amazing how God spared his life over and over, in spite of what a rascal he was!
Does it look like your kids are going backwards, instead of forwards? Just trust that the Lord is working in their heart, bringing them to Himself, regardless of how it looks. Does it look like your dreams are crumbling to ashes? God can resurrect the dead, even from ashes. All things are possible to those who BELIEVE, if their belief is in God's goodness and mercy and what He can do in our lives through Jesus Christ.

The Hunt for Missing Bathrobes

It is Christmas morning, I could not sleep well, as there was a party next door. They kept the music at a reasonable decibel, but since my bedroom above the garage is right next door to their recroom, I usually hear everything. At least, they kept indoors this time. Apparently, a new wife will be joining my neighbour in the New Year, from a foreign country. It is a long awaited bride for a bachelor or many years. Sometimes I wonder if people know what they are getting themselves into. I'm afraid that this bride will have a lot of adjustments to make and shake into, dealing with adult children, and an almost absent husband who loves his job. Sadly, the hanging of a carrot, makes us reach into the unknown, and only then do we realize what we caught or who caught us.

Thankfully this Christmas is going to be elsewhere. We are invited for dinner, and all I am preparing is the potatoes and the cranberry sauce. So as soon as I am done writing I will start peeling the potatoes. I'm not putting fancy things in it like mashed cauliflower, with the acception of roasted garlic paste squeezed out of the foil saturated with olive oil. One batch of potatoes will only have the usual. Mashed potato, some sour cream, milk, butter, salt and pepper.

In my problem shopping habit, that I wrote about,  to this day, I have not been able to find the 4 white bathrobes that I got each of the girls prior to Deborah's passing. I had mine unwrapped, which she wore on her baptism, but theirs have ties, instead of a zipper in the front. I thought they needed a new bathrobe and I invested in beautiful cotton ones; full lenght for them. You never know when you need a nice one right? So since my husband and I have been looking for them for weeks, under beds, in the garage, in suitcases etc, I have thought of a game for my three girls. This is the plan. They get up, we read the Christmas Story, from Luke, we now add on and read the Beatitudes also, which was part of Deborah's funeral service, and they can go on a present hunt in our house. They cannot open any other presents until they find those bathrobes. These kind of games occupied their growing up years, I always tried to make a lemonade out of a lemon, but now.... will they comply with the game? They are adults, times have changed. I have grown much older, and now my hormones are running wild too. I don't have to see them comply to my wishes, nor hear what I have to say. It would be nice, but now they are adults. I stressed independence and a wise and gentle heart for them. However now, they must make their own decisions. Somehow I have to take the back burner, sit and simmer, role model, and if they want my help, then pick up the pieces. What a role!

I loved the fact that we were all together in church last night. One girl had to be bribed by her sister to go. I think it was a MacDonald's hamburger, but nevertheless we were all there.

Memorial Bench for Deborah Gordon

Remember a month or so ago, I mentioned about a friend of Deborah's who thought that a memorial bench is something that she wanted to help us obtain in her memory? Well here is the information, and the link to her website. Her friends wish to go to a place that is other than a cemetary to remember my daughter by. I am honored and humbled by her efforts. I still wish she was among us, and I think I'll be crawling back to bed after I write these few lines. I first wish to thank all my blog followers for being there, we have over 7,000 people now from all over the world who know about Deborah's story.  May your Christmas be filled with joy, peace and hope. Matthew 1:21 She will bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sin.

This is a promise already fulfilled! We are awaiting for his second coming, no longer a child in a manger, but as the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! Merry Christmas to everybody, all over the world.

 http://fnd.us/c/1uqO3/sh/94JwC8

Memorial Bench for Deborah Gordon

 

This is to help raise the funds to have a memorial bench placed in memory of Deborah Gordon. Deb was an incredible person in all aspects of her life, and I want to have a happy place to go in order to remeber and think of her. Please help us raise the money to have this bench placed in honor of such an awesome girl! 

 - Sarah Turner

The goal is $2,400. The money goes toward the following:
-The cost of purchasing the bench
-The cost of the plaque on the bench
-The installation costs
-The maintenance of the bench
The bench is in place for 10 years, and can be "re-bought" after that time.
Please donate what you can, every bit will help!

A beautiful song by Mark Schultz, that a friend brought to my attention. May it give comfort to all the listeners, especially those who lost loved ones this year 2014.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PBEMfbWq_Y

Different Kind Of Christmas

Mark Schultz

from the album Different Kind Of Christmas (Single)

Buy on Amazon | iTunes

Snow is falling Christmas Eve
Lights are coming on up and down the street
The sound of carols fills the air
And people rushing home, families everywhere

Putting candles in the windows
Lights upon the tree
But there's no laughter in this house
Not like there used to be
There's just a million little memories
That remind me you're not here
It's just a different kind of Christmas this year

In the evening fires glow
Dancing underneath the mistletoe
A letter left from Santa Claus
Won't be the same this year in this house because

There's one less place set at the table
One less gift under the tree
And a brand new way to take their place inside of me
I'm unwrapping all these memories
Fighting back the tears
It's just a different kind of Christmas this year

There's voices in the driveway
Families right outside the door
And we'll try to make this Christmas like the ones we've had before
As we gather round the table, I see joy on every face
And I realize what's still alive is the legacy you made

It's time to put the candles in the windows, the lights upon the tree
It's time to fill this house with laughter like it used to be
Just because you're up in heaven, doesn't mean you're not near
It's just a different kind of Christmas
It's just a different kind of Christmas this year






Publishing: Crazy Romaine Publishing (ASCAP) (admin. by The Loving Company); Checkpointchicky Music / Seems Like Music (BMI) (admin. by Music Services, Inc.)
Writer(s): Mark Schultz; Cindy Morgan

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Niall Breslin Has Everything Going For Him

http://www.upworthy.com/why-so-many-men-are-thanking-an-irish-guy-for-revealing-a-secret-theyre-too-afraid-to-admit?c=ufb1
 

Why So Many Men Are Thanking An Irish Guy For Revealing A Secret They're Too Afraid To Admit

 Why So Many Men Are Thanking An Irish Guy For Revealing A Secret They're Too Afraid To Admit

Interviewer: You see, the mad thing about that is like, you know, I knew the Bressie is here when I was in college and guys looking at guys like you from the outside you think this guy on a rugby scholarship, he's the jock, he's the in crowd, he plays for Ireland, good looking, big guy and all that, and you kind of assume that these guys are, they're all all right.
Interviewee: You see, that perception has to stop and it has to stop now because it just doesn't work that way. You know, mental health doesn't have a circumstance and that's the reality in this country and the thing after that speech, I got inundated with emails from men, and men just kind of saying, "Thank you," like dropping their shoulders and saying, "Finally." Like we have to wake up and understand that like a vast majority of people in this country have experienced this or dealt with it or dealt with loved ones who have had depression or anxiety. Yet we are still unbelievably shadowed by it and it just really frustrates me because it ultimately is what caused most my issues. Wasn't the anxiety, the depression, it was constantly
having to hide it and constantly have to make excuses for it, that's what caused most my...
Interviewer: After that you went on to talk about for example, you then became a professional rugby player.
Interviewee: Um-hum.
Interviewer: And like, was it your first match you bottled, you couldn't do it?
Interviewee: I think it was my second or third cup. I said it in the speech but I remember I think it was a Wednesday or Thursday. The thing with depression or anxiety is you always hope it doesn't command you; it's all in your head. It's not the idea of the panic attacks, it's when is it going to happen. Is it going to happen at a time before, you know, one of your first professional rugby matches? I remember the Thursday before when the game was in Donnybrook and anyone who's gone through a severe acute depressive stage or anxiety stage. It's just madness, it's irrelevant irrational madness goes on in your head. And it was strange and a lot of people were shocked mostly, they literally wanted to rip the skin off of my face. You know, that sounds horrific but I can't describe it in any other way and I was physically kind of hitting my head against the wall to try and knock myself out.
Interviewer: Yeah.

Interviewee: So I would have an excuse not to play the match. I think as hard as that story is to hear it's the type of story you have to tell, especially for people, like why I'm speaking about this, isn't just for people who have the issues, it's for people who don't so they can get a vague idea of what it feels like. So they can become much better landing strips for people who might turn to them in the future and say, "Listen, I'm not feeling great."
Interviewer: Yeah.
Interviewee: Or, "I'm depressed." And I think that's the relationship you have to have with depression and anxiety. It has to be normalized. It's so enormous, it's probably the most normal thing in this country yet it's the most disguised thing. It's really frustrating, I don't get it, and I think people like myself and Conor Cusack are trying to speak out about it and we're being given platforms and I've been doing that speech for a year and a half.
Interviewer: Yeah.
Interviewee: But we've never been given a platform to do it. And Lovin Dublin said, "Listen, I know there's a couple of chefs and entrepreneurs in this stage but I think this might work." So they gave us the platform to do it and it erupted because as I said it's just been this tension around it, this elastic band pulled back over years that's been allowed to be built up around mental health and now it's been released. People are looking for that.
Interviewer: And you know what I think was important about it is rather pricy was that a lot of people say, "Oh yeah, you know I had my problems." and I think a lot of people their perception of you would have been he had some problems when he was a teenager, right? But like, you were pretty brutal about it like you talked about
 after that you talked about basically, you used the word breakdown, which is quite a taboo word for people to use. You guys said you were in London and you said basically what you had was a breakdown, yeah?
Interviewee: Yeah, I think people use the work breakdown to be stressed and rough, "You know, I'm having a breakdown, oh it's terrible." When I say I had a breakdown, like I slept in a park for two nights. I remember vividly being able to see London and I was in Hampstead Heath which is about eight miles outside of London, and I was able to see the city and I was able to see the gap between me and the city, and that was why I was there and the problem with something like that is your biggest fear is that will never go away, and that's what freaks you out because you're going, "Gee, if this is a breakdown..."
Interviewer: I'm never going to go back...
Interviewee: If this is the rest of my life, I'm in trouble...
Interviewer: Yeah.
Interviewee: And a lot of people go through that but in a vast majority of cases and in most cases, it always passes. And one of the best words of advice that I got with panic attacks, they've never killed anyone. They don't kill people, they're terrifying, but they don't kill people.
Interviewer: Yeah.
Interviewee: And you know, with depression you go through acute phases of it where you can't function, you just can't function, you can't get out of bed, you can't look loved ones in the eye. That's the hardest part because what happens then is guilt gets thrown on top of it because you go, "I shouldn't feel like this, I've no reason to feel like that."
Interviewer: Yeah. You've known at all, no?
Interviewee: And that's the thing about it, that's what makes it worse sometimes because you know when someone comes up to you and says, "And what have you got to be depressed about?" and you go, "I know." that makes it worse because you just all of a sudden start kind of compounding guilt and you start thinking about yourself and then you start hating yourself because you feel like that. And that's the viscous circle of depression.
Interviewer: Yeah.

Take It Day By Day Sister's Perspective

I've always been someone who enjoyed research and using logic to explain situations. Deborah's death is something I can't even explain no matter how desperately I try to. That has been my down fall.

I know from reading testimonies of other families who lost someone to suicide, some of them did not even receive a final letter. Many of them wish they received a note to explain even a fraction of the situation. Having received a note of my own, I wish I hadn't. In my final letter, Deborah gave me a small glimpse of how incredibly sad she was. It breaks my heart to have read that and have that memory permanently ingrained in my mind. She knew I would understand but I don't think she thought about the toll her letter would take on me emotionally.

We talked about worldy issues when she was alive. We'd talk about the goals we had for the week and how we planned to accomplish it. I would recommend books that I recently read that I thought she would like. We even had a few 'book' clubs where we read chapters together. We'd listen to music with one another and sometimes even sneak into each others rooms to find out what music the other was listening to. We were both often stubborn about telling each other the name of songs. Now there are those apps where you can find out the name with the click of a button. She told me about those apps.  Then we'd have serious conversations about feelings and----you'd think I would have saw a sign that she was contemplating taking her life. I didn't. When we talked about sadness and insecurities I knew glimpses of her true feelings. I knew she was having difficulty being comfortable out in public. I knew that she felt some of her friends were slowly creating separation since she was hospitalized. And I knew when she would cry to me at home or in the doctors office that she was depressed.  I reassured her that it would get better. I told her to hang in there and suggested many things to do to occupy her time. I even spent a few times a week at the Dollar Store with her, watching her purchase storage containers and kitchen utensils for her future place. She looked a lot better in the last 2 weeks of her life. She said that she finally felt like herself again and I believed her. From the many tears shed at the doctors appointments and in my bedroom, she was laughing again. Then the 18th came and she walked into my room. She wore her grad sweatshirt and said she was off to work in a bit. She said she wanted to do something with me after work, said I love you and left.

One day can be a very good day. The next day could be a terrible one. That's the only explanation I have right now.