I talked with my mom today. She sounds frail, with little ability to formulate words or sentences. I would love to see her, but the trip would be physically and financially a strain. I still have a Japanese student to tend to for a few days. I have been very blessed to hook up with another host family and therefore we shared rides, and trips to the shopping malls. Yesterday, my heart started beating way to fast, as I tried to keep up in the mall with the girls. Today, I bought more dis-solvable children's aspirin that dissolves under one's tongue, in case I get a stroke or heart attack. I feel tired and unmotivated. I missed my walk today in the cemetery. Today, my one daughter was displaced from her work due to hours that were cut back, while another got a full time job as a nurse. The third, may be moving. Life seems to be a turmoil of things. When I sit down to rest, I feel guilty. When I work too much, I murmur. I am supposed to be more thankful than I have been lately. This is not easy to do. A deep fog is present, not only on the roads but in my mind. I seem to be directionless.
Again, yesterday, as I drove my Japanese girl to the Japanese speaking church, I had to drive over the Patullo Bridge. It looked worse than ever. I stayed in the lane farthest from the walkway, to not witness where Deborah may have jumped from with her psychotic mind. Twice I had to cross that wretched bridge, yesterday. I feel depleted, cheated, and so sad.
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