If I Could Do It All Over Again- Part 2

I became a first generation Christian during the last months of my first marriage. If I had  received the Lord earlier into my heart, and had known that such a personal relationship could exist, then I would have ventured on that path a long time ago. I would have avoided the many pit falls created for us, that we inevitably fall into without Christ as our guide.

When I received Christ into my heart, it happened to be on a chilly cold night, when I locked myself out of the house. I had no idea where my ex-husband was. I only had a flee infested van to get shelter in. I gazed up in the stars and I said to God, ...If you exist, and you care, then reveal yourself to me.  With tears welling up in my eyes, I received Jesus into my heart.

 After my conversion and baptism, when I lived alone in a basement suite, I had a dream. It is one I will always remember. I was convicted of my sins, my heart was so heavy. There were three crosses on a hill, and I painstakingly walked towards them, knowing that I deserved to die. It was excruciating to come to the point of complete surrender. I was sweating in my bed by then. I remembered every step I took towards the cross. When I finally gazed up on it, all three crosses have been taken. Jesus was on that cross, hanging in my place. A sense of awe, and relief came to my being. Jesus paid the price for my sins, I would not have to go and hang on that cross. It was finished.

The years following my divorce were my happiest. I had sweet fellowship with believers. I met new Christians  in English churches, as well as attended Hungarian bible studies in home settings. I had spiritual mentors. I felt like I had a purpose. I was surrounded by people who truly cared about me. I made the decision to not move down to Florida where my parents lived because I was afraid that my newly found faith, would not be nourished there. Also, I was blamed for not being able to save my marriage, and was told by my mom that I need to go to a fortuneteller, which I immediately declined. Spiritism sadly has played a huge role in her life, from talking with the dead, to card reading and other means of sorceries, both back in Hungary and later in Florida. She would even seek out a soothsayer to find out when my dad would die.

 I was working in book binderies, house sat, worked as a receptionist in a physiotherapist office, among other jobs. One time, while driving on my bicycle to work along a busy road, a parallel parked car opened it's door on me, and I was thrown from my bike. I suffered a broken collar bone, and recovered slowly with my brace. I was alone, and in pain, but felt the presence of God, nevertheless.

I wish, that my self esteem was higher, but with the stigma of a divorce behind me, I felt unwanted. I was pretty, much thinner than I am now, and probably much quieter than I am now. Still, I did not fit in with the carefree laughter of many of the young adults at church. There was no dating sites to my knowledge and I was still hopeful of having a family one day. My regret is that I did not go back to school, even with a student loan, and gotten a degree besides my collegiate degree. I think that would have brought me into a different circle of acquaintances, and my life would have impacted more people in bigger ways. My life was mostly focused on survival, and serving the Lord the best way I could. I often thought, that if I only had a child I would have a reason to live.

I managed to quit smoking. I was a very casual smoker while married, and this continued for a time after the divorce. The way I quit is memorable. One night the landlord awakes me and says, Maria, Maria your car is on fire. I looked outside at my Ford Torino under his carport, and indeed my car was burning in the back seat. After quitting for about six months I just had to have one that night, and when I threw out the butt, I guess the wind must have blown it back. The whole neighbourhood lit up. The police, fire trucks and ambulance all lit up the dead end street where I lived. Nobody got injured, but my freshly painted car with new tires, became a write-off. So again, I went to God and promised  him that with His help, I would not smoke, ever again. Yeah, so definitely smoking is something I regretted doing.

One thing I never will regret and that was having my four children in my new marriage of  27 years.