The Last Straw

One of my girls wanted to let my readers know the signs that we noticed in the last few months.  Of course every situation is different, and may have little resemblance to each other. I don't exactly know what started her drinking in high school, or at what point she started to do drugs. I can't even pin point what was the instigator. Perhaps I was naive, or figured my other children turned out well. Surely, it is just a phase. We did notice that she cleaned out 5 vodka bottles from her room at one time in grade 11.  Deborah had a hard time concentrating, in grade 12, and had memory loss by last summer. She had huge anxiety about writing her exams. Her grades were dropping and some of her tests she had to re-write, but it wasn't alarming, as other kids had to do the same. I thought maybe the teacher wasn't so great. By child number four, I did not attend the parent teacher meetings. I trusted Deborah to be responsible for her own grades, and I believe she knew that we would always get a tutor if she found a subject particularly difficult. I was in touch with the school counselor, who knew two of my older girls, and she was reassuring me that she was talking with Deborah, and that Deborah loved me, despite the behavior she exhibited at home.The counselors are not allowed in grade twelve, to share any part of the conversations they have with our children.  She graduated with a dual dogwood diploma, which is one where she is recognized as being fluent in French and in English. Her marks were very good. She had even accomplished her piano Royal Conservatory level 8,  prior to grade 11.

Deborah's drinking and drug use presented a problem. Should I take her to Alcoholics Anonymous? One lady friend said that this would be a little too harsh, for a 19 year old.  All she needed perhaps was  a qualified motivational speaker/ mentor to speak with her. Just give him the opportunity to talk to her about the transition into adulthood, and adult behavior, and surely this rebellion phase would go away.  I agreed and we had approximately 5 sessions at least in downtown Vancouver, in a home setting. This approach sounded very worthwhile, as indeed our children have very few adult role models in their life, and rarely would they discuss what adult behavior looks like. Especially here, in North America, folks rarely have aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents nearby, to model to a child responsible, behavior. What does growing up look like?

 Eventhough, she had her license, she did not want to drive, I suppose in fear of loosing her license in case she was caught drinking and driving. So public transportation was her choice of travel. She was looking forward to turning 19, and went clubbing with her friends in March. I believe she payed for all of the limo costs, and the next afternoon, I was picking out glass from her heel; as she must have danced with no shoes on. We felt that she spent a lot of money clubbing downtown, and told her that her friends should chip in with the limo expenses. To her, it did not seem to matter one way or another.  These typical milestones, we thought were inevitable. She was pretty and did what most youth do, take risks and get drunk. Eventhough, I told the early psychosis intervention (EPI) team of my concern about her doing such a thing, they had indicated that if it is a choice of drugs or alcohol, alcohol is better than drugs, and felt that Deborah could water down her drinks with soda water or something. In hindsight, we know that alcohol and drugs plays havoc on an individual who has bi-polar or mania.
   
Prior to Deborah's hospitalization in mid December, we noticed that she was using marijuana pretty well, daily. Her room would smell of the stuff before she went to work, and I imagine she smoked some prior to coming home. She also smoked cigarettes, perhaps to mask the smell of the marijuana. There was conversations on her phone about getting molly (MDMA) prior to her hospitalization. So we know that she has tried this also.  On a Friday night she would leave to go out with friends, and I would not see her till noon  the next day. When she would come home, it would be a shower and off to bed. Sometimes she would be dropped off by a vehicle, and she could not remember or was not able to tell us where she was. We called the police to have her escorted to the hospital to see if she was hurt in anyway, but there are no nurses available for this escort, only in the daytime. There were constant arguments about her going out, and the friends she was staying with. We wondered why she would not have friends stay in our home, rather than her going out. One time I would lock the back door with a lock, and push a heavy love seat to the staircase so she would not be able to go out. Massive efforts were underway to keep her safe at home, once we realized the devastation these overnights were doing to her.  Sleep was a premium for us on weekends, as we ended up being up late waiting for our precious girl to show up safely, but usually never did.

The final straw to her going to Surrey Memorial in December of 2013 was not being able to perform her job as a nanny, not being able to listen to instruction, pacing up and down the floor, laughing uncontrollably. She was driven early to the sky-train, by the employer to come home that day,and the police have caught her for not paying a full fare for her ride. She was ticketed over $160, as she was still using her student bus pass. When she arrived home she was hallucinating, not making sense with her speech, crying uncontrollably, and was out of sorts. She asked us to take her in to the hospital, in the presence of two of her close friends.