Fitness Gift Cards

In case a lady received a fitness membership for Christmas this year....Here is one woman's experience.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my darling husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.  I think I’m still in great shape.  After all, I was a high school football cheerleader 23 years ago, but I thought it would be a good idea anyway.  So I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.  The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.  Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived to find Christo waiting for me.  OMG!  He’s something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.  Woo-hoo!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  I enjoyed watching the skillful way he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.  Very inspiring!  Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.  This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT!  It's a whole new life for me.                 
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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

Christo was impatient with me today, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.  His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds he gets this nasally whine.  It’s all VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so what did he do?  He put me on the stair monster!  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape so I could enjoy life.  He said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  How could I help it if I was a half hour late?  It took me that long to tie my shoes!

Anyway, he took me to work out with dumbbells.  When he wasn’t looking I ran and hid in the restroom but he sent some skinny little bitch to find me.  Then as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank!
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FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little Nazi.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Today he wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don't have triceps!  And if he didn’t want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich!  Then the treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher! Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a drama coach or a choir director?
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SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner but I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel!
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy!  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!