"My Anxious Heart",Photographs by Katie Joy Crawford

A photographer took 12 stunning pictures to capture how depression and anxiety can feel

 She captured in images what can be so hard to put into words. 

Anxiety and depression are fairly prevalent.

One of the most common mental health disorders in the U.S., in 2012 the National Institute of Health found that almost 7% of adults had experienced a major depressive episode in the previous year. Even more prevalent is anxiety, with about 18% of U.S. adults reporting an anxiety disorder.
And yet it can be hard to explain depression and anxiety to someone who has never experienced those things.

That's why Katie Joy Crawford created a photo series she calls "My Anxious Heart."

Crawford, who is a photography student, has general anxiety disorder. She explains:

"Through this body of work, I am visually interpreting my own emotional and physical journey so that others may be able to understand this weight that so many bear in our society. The physical ramifications of the disorder, such as a racing heart, dizziness, shortness of breath and lightheadedness, frequently go unnoticed or are misinterpreted by those who have never suffered from anxiety. Although the physical symptoms make up a great deal of the disorder, the emotional outcome is exceedingly difficult to encapsulate as well. Anxiety bars the sufferer from the risk of discovery, the desire to explore new ideas, and the possibility of exiting a comfort zone. It makes sure that it will never be alone. It finds you when you're in the midst of joy, or alone in your own mind. It is quiet and steady, reminding you of your past failures, and fabricating your future outcomes."

Do any of these images resonate with you?

"I was scared of sleeping. I felt the most raw panic in complete darkness. Actually, complete darkness wasn't scary. It was that little bit of light that would cast a shadow — a terrifying shadow." Photo and caption by Katie Crawford.

  "They keep telling me to breathe. I can feel my chest moving up and down. Up and down. Up and down. But why does it feel like I'm suffocating? I hold my hand under my nose, making sure there is air. I still can't breathe." Photo and caption by Katie Crawford.

"A captive of my own mind. The instigator of my own thoughts. The more I think, the worse it gets. The less I think, the worse it gets. Breathe. Just breathe. Drift. It'll ease soon." Photo and caption by Katie Crawford.

"Cuts so deep it's like they're never going to heal. Pain so real, it's almost unbearable. I've become this ... this cut, this wound. All I know is the same pain; sharp breath, empty eyes, shaky hands. If it's so painful, why let it continue? Unless ... maybe it's all that you know." Photo and caption by Katie Crawford.

"You were created for me and by me. You were created for my seclusion. You were created by venomous defense. You are made of fear and lies. Fear of unrequited promises and losing trust so seldom given. You've been forming my entire life. Stronger and stronger." Photo and caption by Katie Crawford.

"No matter how much I resist, it'll always be right here desperate to hold me, cover me, break down with me. Each day I fight it. 'You're not good enough for me and you never will be.' But there it is, waiting for me when I wake up and eager to hold me as I sleep. It takes my breath away. It leaves me speechless." Photo and caption by Katie Crawford.

"I'm afraid to live and I'm afraid to die. What a way to exist." Photo and caption by Katie Crawford.

"It's strange — in the pit of your stomach. It's like when you're swimming and you want to put your feet down but the water is deeper than you thought. You can't touch the bottom and your heart skips a beat." Photo and caption by Katie Crawford.

"My head is filling with helium. Focus is fading. Such a small decision to make. Such an easy question to answer. My mind isn't letting me. It's like a thousand circuits are all crossing at once." Photo and caption by Katie Crawford.

"A glass of water isn't heavy. It's almost mindless when you have to pick one up. But what if you couldn't empty it or set it down? What if you had to support its weight for days ... months ... years? The weight doesn't change, but the burden does. At a certain point, you can't remember how light it used to seem. Sometimes it takes everything in you to pretend it isn't there. And sometimes, you just have to let it fall." Photo and caption by Katie Crawford.

"Numb feeling. How oxymoronic. How fitting. can you actually feel numb? Or is it the inability to feel? Am I so used to being numb that I've equated it to an actual feeling?" Photo and caption by Katie Crawford.

"Depression is when you can't feel at all. Anxiety is when you feel too much. Having both is a constant war within your own mind. Having both means never winning." Photo and caption by Katie Crawford.

In addition to finding Crawford's work on her website, you can also follow her on Facebook.

About:

All photos and captions were used with permission from the creator Katie Crawford.

It Feels Like Summer

It is another hot day, but breezy. Today was the last day of teaching English as a Second Language (ESL). My students were learning about jobs, employees, employers in a coffee house/restaurant. We also reviewed our daily schedules, and wrote about it. I received a nice annual plant and a card signed by everyone. God has provided a retired Korean pastor as my substitute for next year. He introduced himself to the students as a Canadian and not a Korean person as he has lived here for over thirty years. I am glad that we are Canadians first and then whatever our nationality of origin is as a second. I exchanged e-mail addresses with the students and probably will have more people read my blog as a result. The wedding is too close now, (eight days away) and I felt for me to continue into the month of June would be overly exhaustive.

This afternoon I went to the graveside with a bottle of water. Some flowers that have been placed there on Tuesday after our cheque presentation towards Deborah's Memorial Bench.. Oops, let me backtrack! The funds have been completely raised now for the Memorial Bench on behalf of Deborah. It will be placed in Bear Creek Park where she used to love to run in approximately 7 weeks. Her friend is in dialogue with parks and recreation and we are so pleased and blessed at the same time. My husband and I were presented with the cheque which was then turned over to Deborah's friend to finalize the lease for 10 years. This includes all the care, and upkeep required for the bench. As soon as I see the bench I will post a photo for all my readers. More importantly, we were invited to speak about Deborah, at the Just4you wellness centre who did the majority of the fundraising. It is a wonderful community fitness centre that operates more like a family rather than a franchise. I hope those of you who live locally will check it out. We had some sandwiches and cakes, and fruit, and drinks. It was a sweet time with at least 5 of Deborah's friends present. We were very honored to see everyone, and the kindness they demonstrated to our family. Sadly, none of my daughters made it to this event as they were working.

So, getting back to the graveside.... today, I watered the flowers that were taken there on Tuesday after the cheque presentation. Today is Friday.  The flowers have been without water for 3 days. As I poured the water into the vase, I noticed the water level getting lower and lower. The wilted looking flowers kept drinking and drinking, until the petals sweetly danced in the wind, some blue petals, some pink. It almost reminds me of the resurrection, how Jesus was resurrected and many others from the grave. It will be soon time for God to come full circle. There was a picture of a full circle rainbow recently. God's promises are true and eternal, take good courage.

A perfect rainbow circle over Niagra Falls

.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qB1CPwID-ss

Twelve Days Till the Wedding/End Time Prophecy

I have promised months ago to myself that I would write down in bullet form all the things that I have accomplished for the weeks leading up to the wedding. I wish I had followed up with it, as now I don't even have a record of what I have done. However, I know that it will be all over in a few short eight hours on the 6th of June. That day is supposed to be big for women's soccer as well, so life will likely continue as we know it for a few more months until September. Link to end time prophecy:
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzQbAW7-Qs0
Then the Shemitah year will end on the 23rd of September, and with the fourth blood moon, we may be called up to the Heavenly Wedding that the Lord is preparing for His perfected Saints. That is what I really look forward to.

As far as the wedding goes, I have learned to walk in 3 inch heels. I don't know if ever in my life did I walk in such monstrosoties. I have been painting my nails lately also, as quiet possibly this Tuesday
I will be attending a cheque presentation for the memorial bench on behalf of Deborah. I discovered that contact lenses are not progressive like my glasses, and quiet likely after the wedding, I will resume my four eyed appearance for that reason. I would have to use reading glasses if I wore contacts in order to see up close and read a food box label or anything of that nature.

This morning, even though it was Sunday, I ended up going to the Bay for a few underclothing items, so straps do not show out of the occasional dress that I will be wearing at the wedding.  Fifteen bras later, I think I found two, and I'm waiting for the better one to go on sale in the next 12 days, or I will not be as flattering to look at as I could be. Some, not all of my seasoned generation have sprouted wings under our arms, and they are supposed to be getting tucked into the bras according to the lady who provides bra attire to the monarchy.  Apparently a proper bra fittings breaks or make a figure. So I am trying to desperately pay attention to this detail. At the end of this ordeal of trying on all these bras, I was asked to fill out a form indicating how the service was at the Bay, and  I had nothing but great words to say! Ladies, always go first thing in the morning if you need the time to select just the right undergarment.
 I purchased a few nice little pots yesterday at a church garage sale, so I bought some dainty plants on sale at the Superstore, and re-potted all of them into their permanent clay pots. Two deep pink geraniums that were ever so dry, also got my attention, and now ornate my front doors. They will show their magnificence in twelve days, as I am keeping track of the days now. I was shocked as to how many ants and slugs I have by my raspberries and flowers. Thankfully, I also got some powder ant killer. I had noticed that my honeysuckle has ripened early this year. My husband and I enjoyed an early harvest from one of our bushes.  Haskap or honeysuckle is more preferred to blueberries in many parts of the world, especially Japan and Russia, it is a flat looking blueberry with so many health benefits.
One answer to prayer was the approval of a crown on the day of my scheduled dentist appointment. If this tooth was not approved for a new crown, my smile would have not been as nice as I hoped. You see over the many years of being a mom, all our funds went into braces for some of our children and teeth for my husband who looses them more often then anyone I know. With Chron's disease, the bones are vastly affected, and the poor guy has plates galore, and the teeth chip and break weekly. I don't want to recall the thousands of dollars spent on his mouth, that we now realize is simply a waste of money to try and save his teeth. The more humane thing to do would be to pull them all out, but this is rarely practiced in Canadian dentistry. So, I think what I was trying to say is that miraculously, I will have two brand new crowns in my mouth, porcelain that is, and I can't wait to flash them in the pictures. I have one more visit left this Friday, in order to have the last one put in. Believe it or not, I wore my high heels and walked an entire block in them in order to have the lab match my tooth colour so that the two front teeth will be a perfect match.

 Right now, I even feel tired to pray. 

Feeling Frustrated

Jute rug possibilities

I have been filled with an array of emotions lately. I feel bad that I have not had time to visit the graveside for a few weeks. I feel that I will not be ready for the wedding. I had my hair tinted and put up for the first time yesterday by my hairdresser, only to hear from someone that I should have my hair down in curls. I think I need some hair extensions to make it fuller looking. My hair dresser told me that I should dye my husbands beard, so his will look fuller than it is now. Can you imagine such a project? Out of desperation, I sent his shirt with him to the drycleaners as I know my hands which had several surgeries will never get it right. I never have sent a shirt to the drycleaner, and was pleasantly surprised that three shirts will cost only $9 dollars. His beard will be trimmed along with the groomsmen a week before the wedding.
I asked him to buy some slug bait, fly catchers and fix our vaccum attachment as someone in their anger slammed the door on the tip, and thus bending the metal and my power head would not work. I love to delegate to the frustration of others in the house.

As to my daughter living downstairs as a tenant, well that will be a huge adjustment. Frankly, I don't know how we will do it. Two strong personalities, all crying to be heard, is not an easy blend.

Today I was festering over these cheap  garden spray nozzles that is one worse than the other. I always end up taking them off and putting my thumb into the hole to squirt farther than if I had left the nozzle on. Of course the negative side to this is that your thumb gets tired and cold  holding it there. I have to do some weeding as well, so I don't have to do it so close to the wedding.I still have boxes to put away from the shower, and frankly I don't know where to put it. I tried my contacts on for the first time in 35 years. It was fine, and felt comfortable for about 6 hours. I noticed that I could not see up close to read, so I was frustrated about that. I suppose it is common then, for those who wear contacts to wear reading glasses from the drug store in addition to the contacts. I have to call the optometrist to find out why this is happening, as with my glasses, I could read as well as see far. The receptionist called from the dentist saying that another crown has been approved, so off I go to the city tomorrow. I can only take the drilling for so long, then I wave to the dentist to stop.

I bought a jute rug while I was in Value Village the other day. It is so large that I have no idea where I will be putting it. All I know is that it was a fabulous price. The only problem is that there is a small green stain in the middle of it, and I already found out that with fabric dye, I could paint that little area. I love things that are natural, I suppose it is hemp, but I am not sure. I don't know if jute is the same as hemp. All I know is that for a little runner of a jute rug I paid over 35 dollars when it was on sale at the close of Zellers.This is 15 times the size of my first purchase.   Floors are so hard on the feet, and I think this will be a big improvement for me and my flat feet.

The meeting for the cheque dedication for Deborah's memorial bench isn't appearing to be coming together either. The friend of Deborah who is organizing it is not available on the day the the staff at Just for You Fitness is. Perhaps my restlessness is from menopause, or in general, feeling like I'm always running out of time. This is true, but it makes me a quiet undesirable person to live with, I'm told. I always have to spearhead projects. For instance today I painted the electric black wire conductor into white, so it blends in with our house. I recall the electrician telling us that we can paint it one day, so I figured this was the day. The most important project waiting outside is the repair of Deborah's bench that was at the river. Three boards have come loose, and the whole construction will have to be nailed instead of screwed. I hope a volunteer will show up with some carpentry skills. God knows we need each other.

The You Tube Video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qtbqUHudeg

Deborah Gordon Rest In Peace.

katherine Lizcano

 

1

Mother of the Bride Hair Do? Minus the Cigar

Sparkling Deborah Revisited

Sparkling Deborah Poem By Lanny Townsend

Poem by Lanny Townsend used by permission, and read at her funeral by her 3 surviving sisters,
 Elizabeth, Erica and Sarah.

Sparkling Deborah

Deborah of the sparkling eyes, deep dimples, and dazzling smile,

What were you thinking, dear girl, when you went through your last trial?

You left us clues, as you searched the Bible to soothe your cares;

Highlighted verses are windows to your thoughts, witnesses to your prayers.

We are comforted that, though you stumbled and fell,

You looked to Jesus to save you from sin and Hell.

He forgave you; we know that it is true;

He came into your heart, with its walls that were painted blue.

Such a sad, sad heart, such a troubled mind,

Triggered by a drug that promised good times you’d find.

You yearned to be accepted and to have fun with your friends,

And became deceived, like many, by youthful trends.

Jesus spared your life, after drugs sent you in a spin.

And gave you time to repent of each besetting sin.

You reached for His hand, and He led you through His Word;

Twice you read His Book, and much in it you heard.

What a comfort to us now, to see the words you underlined.

And know that your name in the Book of Life is signed;

Written there by the blood of Jesus Christ, our Lord;

We know His grace and mercy, upon you He has poured.

You were just starting to walk the path of the wise,

And were too unlearned to discern the deceiver’s lies.

You thought that waters of baptism would your confusion all unwind,

And instantly produce a miracle of healing for your mind.

Significant and powerful, baptism is indeed,

But it is through faith that we get what we need.

It is not through feelings, nor experiences, nor the reasoning of our brain,

But through constant trust in God’s Word, the victory we gain.

God understands what drove you to the decision you would make,
And allowed the enemy of your soul, your precious life to take.

But He did not let him keep it, when you plunged into the water;

He caught you in His arms, His beloved, redeemed daughter.

Now you live in Heaven, where all your fears are washed away;

And you are free to love and laugh and play.

Though our heart sorrows for the loss of our dear girl,

We know you are now safe within the gates of pearl.

We cherish memories, of how you loved cookie dough ice cream,

And how you could sing and play music like a dream.

Your favourite colours were blue and pink, and you liked the dollar mart;

Pink roses and red roses, and perfume charmed your heart.

You had a photographic memory, and a photogenic face;

Your athletic ability and energy set a lively pace.

Swimming was a favourite sport, and chess a favourite game;

Which your Grandpa taught you because you were such a clever dame.

But kindness was part of you, and generosity, as well.

And humour, too, for silly jokes you liked to hear and tell.

Family and friends were high priorities on your list;

Oh, dear girl, how sorely you will be missed!

But when the tears start to run, we will wipe them with a smile,

As we remember the blessing you were, when we had you for a while.

We will think of you when we hear Hillsong’s tunes,

And when spring returns each year with its pretty blooms.

We will recall how you organized our closets and our drawers,

And how you loved dogs and kittens and willingly did your chores.

Brindle pup and Moonshine kitty will join you in Heaven someday;

Look after them for us, Deborah, until we come Home to stay.

Let our family circle be unbroken in that celestial realm;

We know our ship will make it, as long as we keep Jesus at the helm.

We don’t fully understand God’s ways or know all His plans,

But everything will work out, as we remain in His strong hands.

We will look into our Saviour’s eyes, and all our pain will be no more,

As it is now for you, gazing upon Him whom you adore.

Revel in His embrace, as you to dance among the stars above;

We release you to His tender care and never ending love.

Lanny Townsend – August 20, 2014

"Start Thinking as Heirs, sons, Bride"

A schedule of Finney Samuel in Punjab, Delhi, Harjana

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDHUgIK9YIE

Ministry News May

Dear Saints, 

Greetings in the sweetest name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We are very much grateful for your prayers and encouraging words through your mail. The Lord has been leading us every day, a step at a time. The developments around the world are giving us wake up call that we do not have much time before us. You all are aware of severe earthquake that hit a poor country Nepal, with thousands dead, many not accounted for. God is speaking to us, we hope we go the message. Many of us are busy with our own lives, and keep on thanking God for all the blessings, and not disturbing our comfort zones. Can we just stop and look at the hand of God, instead of striking some rich nation, where people do not want God, why is He hitting the poor nations? Is He just? What kind of a personality is He? Does He not love everyone the same way? Does He love man? 

Today there are many who are leaving the Church because they are offended at God, because things are no working the way they want to. We need to realize that we are not serving a God who will do what we tell Him to do. Dan 4:35 is a clear warning for us. 

"And all the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing: and he doeth according to his will in the army of heaven, and among the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou?"

He is the Creator, and He has created all things with a plan and purpose, He will do what He has set out to do from the first day, He never changes His plans. He never commits mistakes. Man walked out of the Garden thinking that He could walk on his own. God has given him the time to walk and to prove to himself that he can not walk on his own, and the time is fast approaching when the Dispensation of Grace is about to be over and the Church is going to be caught up. He has not created us to be comfortable here on this earth, we have been created to be His heirs, His sons, His bride, that is the high calling for us. 

Therefore it is high time, we grow up and start thinking as Heirs, sons, Bride. Many a times, we just sit and are grateful for all that God has done. We need to be grateful, but just being grateful is not going to work, we need to grow up and be mature and be like Him. He did not pay the price on the Cross, so that He can end up with a people who are just grateful, but His desire is for The Bride. May the Lord help us all to grow up. What a privilege we have that we can have a relationship with out Master, Our Creator. 

Trusting on God we have started our first Mission trip of the year 2015. We left our base Bhopal on the 16th of May and now we are in Sarsiva, Chattisgarh Province. This trip is taking us to 10 states (Provinces). A travel of more than 8,000 Kms and nearly 45 days. We need your prayers as we are driving through the Eastern and Northern Provinces of India. The schedule is as follows

• May 17 - 19 - Sarsiva, Dhabra, Suloni (Chattisgarh)
• May 20 - 24 - Hattia, Ranchi (Jharkhand)
• May 26 - 31 - Dimapur (Nagaland), Shillong (Meghalaya)
• June 3 - 4 -    Azamgarh (Uttar Pradesh)
• June 6 - 7 -    Farukhabad, Shahjahanpur (Utar Pradesh)
• June 9 - 11 -  Sadora (Haryana)
• June 12 - 14 - Delhi
• June 15 - 17 - Gharyala (Punjab)
• June 18 - 21 - Kala Afghana (Punjab)
• June 22 - 24 - Dhariwal (Punjab)
• June 25 - 28 - Jammu (Jammu & Kashmir)

The journey is long and very risky, we have to travel through forests that are infested by the Maoists terrorists. Pray that God may give us the wisdom and we may go where He wants us to go. Pray for these provinces where the door for the Gospel is nearly shut. In Chattisgarh, we are not able to conduct meetings in the Churches also, people have been split into small groups and we are taking Bible classes for them. Majority of them are paying a very heavy price for the faith. Lot of persecution is there. But we thank God that in spite of the fiery furnace, people are standing up for the faith and we can see the glow of the presence of God on their faces. Pray that they may be rooted more in the faith. 

The third year students of Hebron School of Pioneer Evangelism have gone to Nepal for two months of mission work. A total of 18 students have gone to the mountains of Nepal under the leadership of Amol Zedek. They have to walk long distances, travel on buses. Pray for them that their lives be a blessings to the ones they minister to. They will be living with the believers who live up the high mountains, many of them have to walk for 2-3 days. They will be back in the first week of July. 

In closing, we once again thank you all for your prayers and support. May the Lord richly bless you all. Because of busy schedule I am not able to respond to your mails in time. Hope you can understand. May the Lord bless you all. 

Yours in His Service

Mathew Samuel

M A R A N A T H A

Inbox	x
by Finney Samuel	May 17 (1 day ago)

Isolated Lives

Today I had a rude awakening. A gentleman who is an artist in Burnaby, went in for an angeoplasty to have a look at his heart, and ended up having to go through a triple bypass surgery instead. This surgery was not planned, and though he knew his heart was weak, was not planning to spend a couple of weeks in the hospital. I met him at his apartment door, to see if I could go and buy some groceries for him, and he barely could stand on his feet as the apartment manager opened his door. Despite having three adult children, not one was "available" to come down to Vancouver for a week to tend to his needs immediately after his discharge. Some had business commitments, one was a single parent, and the other did not get time off work despite working for a strong union. I peeled and orange for him as we chatted, and put his laundry in to wash. He told me that he has learned a lot. Despite not making every convenience available to his children as they were growing up, they had a pretty privileged life. He felt that the mistake in our culture is that we live isolated lives, independent nucleus families. Even tough, we may live close to one another, which in this case is not the situation, we all run our own independent lives, and don't involve the aged into our  co-habitation.
I feel for those parents who have even less then three children. Imagine, what are the odds that someone will come to our aid?  This gentleman told his children that he has learned a lot from this experience, but none of them has asked what he learned.

I also often feel that some parents are misguided, who believe that their "A" student in grade six is going to be a whiz in high school or in university. So often, a child will take a turn, and become a shut in, or worse; depressed. It may be a simple as loosing a friend to a move, or coming down with an ailment such as diabetes, or even as simple as growing too tall in the worlds view. Almost anything can trigger depression in a person, to hinder them from fulfilling their purpose. Often I could not understand how a person who is beautiful, has a husband or wife who has a good paying job, a nice mortgage free home etc, yet they are still suffering from depression. Many of us are not equipped to help such folks and we just shake our head in disbelief at times ( I know I did before). This belief that a person is successful, and they are resilient to the pressures of life, is a false security. So, if this one child let's say is the only one you think you can rely on for your old and fragile years, think again. When even several healthy adult children don't commit to the parent during their dire need, then how will a single child serve that parent during an illness?

My friend has lost a lot of weight and won't be driving his car for 9 weeks. He has no groceries in the house, and has a pharmacy right in his kitchen counter. Life can be very hard. Community and wisdom is needed in these hours of trials. I hope we take heed, and learn from those around us, as well as help those we can.

Recovering from the Shower

The bridal shower just ended a few hours ago. For myself, it was an all day event, (not including the days prior leading up to it) as so much preparation went into the making and timely delivery of the food and drinks to the lovely facility. It was a place downtown, in a million dollar per condo highrise. We had a lovely pool, patio, and common room with a fireplace to enjoy the occasion. The pool was a place where Deborah would swim in with her employers little boy, and would help decorate the condo for the Winter Olympics that we had here. She was very brave and would on one occasion even take the sky-train there all by herself. Her presence was felt everywhere.  One of the guests to the shower was the lady who had made the memorial quilt for Deborah, and I finally had a chance to thank her personally for all her labor of love.

Parking was at a premium, but I squeezed into a spot right before the front entrance. Two of my daughters helped unpack the SUV, while the other arrived at two for her bridal shower. The food was lovely and plentiful, the games were hilarious, and the visits were enchanting. The two flower girls were also present, and showered the bride with all kinds of sweet drawings, and necklaces. Their excitement was obvious, and we are now on the hunt for a size three and a size eight white dress appropriate for the wedding procession. My girl who was celebrated was so sweet, and kindness poured from her lips. She was a gracious and beautiful young woman. She received much crystal, she registered for at the Bay and even a  huge food processor/mixer that was a revelation, after the his and hers aprons and his and her mega cookies. She guessed 17 out of the twenty questions that were asked about her fiance. Prices were flying out of boxes for the participants of the many games. One of the games included pulling out her favorite male actors with their pictures on a wooden stick. The person who pulled out the photo of her fiance received a prize. Of course her sister made sure that it was the silliest picture possible.  We all helped write her wedding vows, and the grooms vows with many hilarious twists to the story. All in all it was a good and happy day. I have yet to put away the leftover cheesecake. I crashed on the sofa earlier.
Good night to all.

The flower girl

The Bride to Be

Hundred's of beautiful pictures from the flower girl

Deborah's two sisters, and one not liking photo's

First Birthday Reflection

Happy Birthday Deborah. I"m sitting here thinking if you were here beside me what would you want for your birthday if I asked. You'd want me to go out and enjoy my life, that's how unselfish and kind you are. Always thinking about everyone else's happiness. I love you! There are not enough tears that would be enough to mourn your loss; only too few years together. I love you. I miss you. Life doesn't just go on; your memory just lives longer.

By Monique her employer for nine years.

Crossing Over-My First Mother's Day Without Her

Crunch Time

It is now crunch time for the Bridal Shower happening this Sunday. We have to load the SUV, and take everything downtown early on Sunday. I have lost the booklet with the list of things I am to be doing. I am pretty well aware that people are helping with decorations, and games and perhaps with a  few plates of food, but it will be I who puts all the sandwiches on platters, appetizers in their oven, drinks prepped for easy access, and enough warm welcomes to make sure everyone is happy.Table cloths are ironed,  I can't tell you the location, or venue, as it would ruin the surprise element so my readers have to wait till after the event to know all the details. I also must remember to decorate the cheesecake, and pick up some ice before the big event. I will wear my three inch wedding shoes, so I can get used to this elevated position during the wedding. I just picked it up from the shoe repair man, who put on some nice cushy rubber heals. I will have to watch some youtube videos on how to walk in these. My greatest desire is that my second eldest daughter  has a superb time, finally where she can lay back and take in all the excitement of the soon upcoming wedding. She has worked so hard to get to this place, and in fact is still working, even this final month prior to her big day. She confided in me that they have many appointments booked for the next 3 weeks. They have not yet moved in all their things into the suite, as renovations are underway.
They have to see the photographer, the church director, the cake maker, the photo booth person, the pastors and the list just goes on. I'm sure their wedding rings also have to be picked up. She had her last final fitting today, and I have yet to see the photos. Life couldn't be more exciting, or busier. It is so overwhelming, as seating plans are revealed, rides are planned, and the limo's are booked.
I am looking forward to the hair appointment next week. I will consult with the hair dresser as to how to wear my hair, and she will put some highlights into the already dyed hair, which I applied, to save on costs.
It is a long weekend here in Canada called Victoria Day. I don't know where time has flown, it is nine months since my sweetheart has left our side. My Deborah, my sweetness, like the honey of a bee. 

Why is your mental health so important?

• http://mentalhealthweek.cmha.ca/your-mental-health/mental-health-fact-sheet/
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Mental Health

Why is your mental health so important?

Mental health is key to our well-being. We can’t be truly healthy without it. It involves how we feel, think, act, and interact with the world around us. Mental health is about realizing our potential, coping with the normal stresses of life, and making a contribution to our community.
Good mental health isn’t about avoiding problems or trying to achieve a ‘perfect’ life. It’s about living well and feeling capable despite challenges. Mental well-being is bigger than the presence or absence of a mental illness. People who live with a mental illness can and do thrive, just as people without a mental illness may experience poor mental health.
Each of our paths to mental well-being will be unique. We all have our own goals, our own challenges, our own talents, and our own supports. But good mental health is within everyone’s reach. Below, find tips and activities to help you take a look at your own well-being, discover your strengths, and take action.

Maintaining your mental health is a lot like staying physically fit: it requires a little effort every day

But the rewards are great! Mostly, it’s about finding balance in your life. Everyone has to face stresses and demands, but we all need and deserve a break sometimes. Devote a little of each day to improving your mental health. You’ll reap the benefits in the same way that daily physical exercise makes you stronger and fitter.

Everyday tips for keeping mentally healthy

Here are a few healthy practices that can be easily integrated into your daily life. The idea is that a lot of small, concerted actions can add up to a significant overall effect. Apply some of these ideas on a regular basis and you’ll find yourself feeling rejuvenated and more confident:

Build a healthy self-esteem

Self-esteem is more than just seeing your good qualities. It is being able to see all your abilities and weaknesses together, accepting them, and doing your best with what you have. Self-esteem means recognizing your unique talents and abilities, and using that confidence to follow your goals and interests without comparing yourself to others.
Activity: Build confidence
Take a look at your good points. What do you do best? What are your skills and interest areas? How would a friend describe you? Next, look at your weak points. What do you have difficulty doing? What things make you feel frustrated? Now, which list was easier to write? Remember that all of us have our positive and negative sides. We build confidence by developing our weaker areas and regularly reminding ourselves of the things we’re comfortable with and proud of.

Build positive support networks

Good relationships take effort, whether it’s relationships with family members, friends, or other important supporters. It takes courage to reach out and time to build trust. But social support is a very important part of mental health. People in our networks can offer many different kinds of support, like emotional support, practical help, and other points of view. Support can come from family and friends, neighbours, co-workers or classmates, faith communities, clubs or support groups for specific problems.
Activity: Make time
Make time just to be with important people in your life. Make time for just having fun and enjoying each other’s company, and time for serious conversations.

Get involved

Being involved in things that really matter to us provides a great feeling of purpose and satisfaction. You make a difference, no matter how big or small your efforts. Getting involved connects you with others in your community who share similar interests or values, and connects you to groups of people you might not normally meet. It can help you learn new skills, build confidence, and see your own experiences in a different way.
Activity: Volunteer
Be a volunteer. Read to children at your local library, visit people in a hospital or care facility, serve on a committee or board of your favourite charity, clean up your favourite park or beach, or simply help a neighbour.

Build resiliency

Resiliency means coping well with problems, stress, and other difficult situations. Problems and stress are a normal part of life. Situations like accidents or illness, unexpected life changes, and conflict happen to everyone. Resiliency is what helps you look at the situation realistically, take action when you can make changes, let go of things you can’t change, and recognize the helpful supports in your life. Your resiliency toolkit might include skills like problem solving, assertiveness, balancing obligations and expectations, and developing support networks. While some people learn these skills during treatment for mental health problems, we should really think of them as skills for everyone. You can learn more about these skills online, in books, through community organizations, or through your health care provider.
Activity: Build your own toolkit
Set aside time to think about the resiliency tools you already have. This might include skills like structured problem solving or people who can help you in difficult situations. Remember to include strategies that have worked for you before. Keep your list on hand and use it as a reminder when you need help. It’s also a good way to see where you might want to build new skills or supports.

Recognize your emotions

Emotional well-being is not about being happy all the time. Feeling sad, angry, and anxious at times is part of being human. Emotional well-being involves expressing our emotions in a way that respects everyone. Bottling up our feelings doesn’t respect our own experiences, just as lashing out because we feel angry may not respect others. Emotional well-being also includes recognizing what influences our emotions, discovering how our emotions affect the way we think or act, taking action when our emotional response isn’t helpful, and learning to accept our emotions—even the difficult ones.
Activity: Identify and deal with your moods
Find out what makes you happy, sad, joyful or angry. What calms you down? Learn ways to deal with your moods. Share joyful news with a friend, and find support when you feel sad. Physical exercise can help you deal with your anger or anxiety. Keep a stack of your favourite funny cartoons, stories, or videos for times when you need to laugh. And don’t forget the power of music to lift you up or calm you down.

Take care of your spiritual well-being

Spiritual well-being means getting to know ourselves, discovering our values, and learning to be at peace with who we are. It also involves finding and connecting to something bigger than ourselves and living with purpose. Spirituality can give us meaning and solace, help us overcome challenges, and strengthen our connections with others. This may mean religion for some, but it doesn’t have to—it’s really about how we feel on the inside.
Activity: Connect with yourself
Set aside quiet, quality time to be totally alone. Try a breathing exercise: count your breaths from one to four, and then start at one again. Or do something you love to do, like dancing, going to a baseball game, building a bird house, going for a hike, or whatever works for you!

Asking for help

While family and friends are important supports, there are other resources out there to help you as well. Many communities have information centres that can provide lists of available services. Or a public library might help.
Other possible sources of information and inspiration include:

• websites of reputable mental health organizations such as CMHA
• books about specific mental health problems
• films, videos and audio tapes
• courses and workshops offered through community centres, schools and universities
• people you admire for their ability to find balance
  Maintaining your mental health sometimes means seeking the help of a professional
  

  • If you have a mental health concern, speak with your doctor.
  • For financial challenges, seek the help of a financial planner or debt advisor
  • For direction in your work life, speak to a career counsellor and make a career plan.
  • To repair relationships with loved ones and friends, talk to an expert and work through the issues.

  How CMHA and other mental health organizations can help

  Learn how to take care of your mental health. Get the facts about mental illness. Find help for yourself or others.
  CMHA can help. We have a remarkable team of more than 10,000 volunteers and staff across Canada providing vital services and support to well over half a million Canadians every year.
  For more information on mental health programs and services in your community or to donate to CMHA, go to CMHA’s website at cmha.ca and mentalhealthweek.ca.  Or contact your local CMHA, or any other community mental health agency/organization, to obtain information on available supports and services close to you

Vaccine Tragedy in Mexico

I have several Spanish speaking viewers and I thought I would pass along this important article! (Spanish link below)

Breaking News: Vaccine Tragedy in Mexico

MAY 11, 2015 BY ADMIN 7 COMMENTS

By Mario Lamo-Jiménez, Guest Author

May 8, 2015: The indigenous municipality of Simojovel, in the state of Chiapas, Mexico reported the death of two babies after the administration of vaccines against hepatitis B (HepB), tuberculosis (BCG), and rotavirus.

Within hours of receiving the vaccines, 37 babies out of a total of 52 vaccinated had adverse reactions; some began to convulse with the tragic result of two dead and 37 hospitalized, 13 of whom reported to be in critical condition.

According to the Catholic organization Pueblo Creyente, the dead included a 30-day-old girl and a 28-day-old boy.

The Mexican Social Security Institute (IMSS) ordered the preventive suspension of the BCG (Tuberculosis), Rotavirus and Hepatitis B vaccine, after what they suspect were allergic reactions to the vaccines administered to the minors in Chiapas.

Although this news has been widely disseminated in the Spanish-language press, it has been virtually ignored by the English-language press.

What is wrong with this picture?

A recent outbreak of measles originating in Disneyland with no fatalities received world-wide media coverage and calls for legislation resulting in a heated battle regarding public vaccination policies.

A vaccination incident in Mexico which negatively impacted nearly 80% of the recipients, resulting intwo deaths, 37 hospitalizations and 13 babies fighting for their lives has not been reported to the community at large and is certainly not being reported in other countries, particularly the United States.

Is this lack of media coverage because vaccines are promoted as “safe and effective” and no one wants to tarnish that image?

Is the lack of media coverage because it would negatively impact efforts to make vaccines mandatory and affect the profits of vaccine manufacturers and various other stakeholders?

It is crucial that the international community be informed of these deaths and of the fact that these vaccines have as of now been suspended in Mexico. It is an essential part of the universal right to informed consent.

Mothers in Simojevel are now asking themselves how safe these vaccines can be if they can kill perfectly healthy children within hours, and also leave many more in a very precarious health condition.

The municipality of Simojevel has historically been besieged by drug traffickers with their religious leaders have received death threats. It seems the only state intervention so far has been to promote these vaccinations, with the reported catastrophic results.

When will human lives become more important than vaccine uptake?

Read this article in Spanish here.

Sources:

https://www.facebook.com/pueblo.creyentedesimojovel.9?fref=ts
Business Standard reports two killed 37 sickened after reactions to vaccines in Mexico
IMSS suspended Tuberculosis vaccine, Rotavirus and Hepatitis B after events in Chiapas
IMSS will investigate poisoning of children in Chiapas after being vaccinated

Oh My! The Preparations are Endless

My lists of accomplishments are many, with the help of a number of old and new friends. A big thing off our list is the baking and appetizer preparations for the Bridal Shower coming up in just five days.  My sweet bride to be did all the rolling of certain doughs for the turnovers, which is a very hard job. We did fancy sandwiches, many little cakes, as well as mini cheesecakes. I have bought way too much baking supplies, and despite using 24 eggs for the tart cheesecakes, I still have enough nuts to last me a long time. I worked tirelessly to set up and prepare the kitchen, and clean the kitchen afterwards for this assembly line task. In the end, I wondered if it was all worth it, or could I have gotten it already made at a grocery store. In anycase, I think we at least know what is in my brownies. My love poured into this baking day, and perhaps one day in the future, my girls will remember the sense of community, and love that went into it.  Today I will be cutting some of the cakes into squares, and freezing them. There are plenty of dessert assortments for the wedding also. I learned much from the expertise of a new lady friend who happens to be Hungarian to top. We rolled bread for sandwiches, we filled baguettes, and on and on the list goes. She is also a mom who has gone through the loss of a child when he was in his teens, so we hugged and kissed at the end of the day. I feel that I am not alone.

I got a message today from the lady who is doing the fundraising for Deborah's memorial bench. They would like to present the cheque for the bench (10 year lease) to be placed in Bear Creek Park. That too will likely be done this week. I am eager to meet all the sweet people who have vigorously attended these fitness classes, all for the sake of mental health awareness.

Yesterday, we tried the cake that will be at the wedding. A four teared cake, perhaps even symbolic of my four daughters. I think my soon to be wed girl is going to surprise me as to how Deborah will be remembered at her wedding. The groom is also engaged in preparing the suite for the new couple. The carpet is laid, and the kitchen backslash is soon finished. Today I noticed that all the boxes to be taken to the reception hall are piling up nicely, downstairs.  Best of all , I found a pair of shoes today in White Rock. I will have to wear them in, and have a new rubber heal mounted on it so I don't slip. Otherwise, it is elegant and comfortable, just like I dreamed it would be. I even got inserts to put in them, for the heal, and the bottom for added comfort for the very long day.  In these, three inch heels, I will be able to glide on the dance floor even as a graceful antelope, ( or so I hope). Eventhough,  a dance cost John the Baptist his head, and I am not a dancer, I think I can safely enjoy a dance or two, on this special day soon to arrive. I rarely dance, except to be funny, and rarely have my nails painted but I'll try them both. When I was describing how I may even have fake eyelashes to one of my friends, she said we will be like Bambi, fluttering our eylashes in the wind to one another. So much for the silliness, I better run to cut those squares.

Helping Someone Through Depression

I'm sitting in the doctor’s office. My doctor is noisily typing on her keyboard as she asks me specific questions about my recent experiences.
I hold up my calendar, the one I’ve used to track my progress, or lack thereof. Five weeks ago I had decided to document my episodes — the cry fests of rage and remorse. I would put a sad face on each day I cried. The days I made it through without crying deserved a happy face. After reviewing the entire five weeks we only see three happy faces, the rest of the calendar is mocking me with sad smiles.
I can’t hold back; I burst into tears right in front of her. She looks at me with sympathetic eyes, and says, “Shannon, you have clinical depression, and it's possible you are bipolar.”
She gives me a prescription and provides me with the name of the best psychologist in Chicago. I leave the doctor’s office with something I hadn’t felt in years: a smidgen of forced hope.
I open up my phone to send my family an email message. I start to type the email that would give an explanation for my mood swings. As I carved out each sentence, carefully describing my diagnoses, I feel a pull in my heart. I push send, pronouncing to family across the country that these feelings I was living with were not actually a thing I had control over, but a sickness, a disease, one called depression. The email was a declaration to the world that I needed help.
I was hoping to feel better after reaching out.
But after I sent it, I only felt worse.
I don’t know what I expected; did I want my family to understand me? This was my attempt to reach out. But it still felt like it was me against the world. I was still isolated and the one who was sick, the one who was on the outside looking in.
That’s the thing with depression. Happy people seem like they have it together, and you don’t want to be a burden to them. Happiness is foreign. Up until that point I had spent my entire life looking from the outside in.
Depression is a lonely experience, and for the brave one who does try to reach out, it's often greeted with more isolation and distance.
Depression makes most people uncomfortable. Those who aren’t depressed think, What do they have to be sad about? Why can’t they just see the bright side? Why are they always so down?
And for the one who is depressed, life is unbearable to navigate. It doesn’t matter how much you're loved. You feel like a burden to the world.
Little did I know at the time, but that small simple email I sent out to my family was the first giant step in my recovery. I had reached out; I had asked for help.
Flash-forward to today, and my life is much different. I've found purpose in my pain. I made it through the darkness. I spent a couple decades consumed with fear as I rotted in my own depression. But I thankfully, found a way out. I took one small step at a time to turn my sadness into hope, which eventually turned into peace. More than 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. No two situations are the same, but one thing every person who experiences it will have feel sadness. Depression is a disease of the heart and sadness takes over the body.
If you or someone you know is depressed there is a way through it. Friendship. Empathy. Compassion. And Love.
Here are nine powerful mantras to help anyone suffering from depression or sadness.
1. If you keep hope alive, it will keep you alive.
2. The strongest people are those who win battles we know nothing about.
3. Faith is seeing light in your heart when all your eyes see is darkness.
4. Out of difficulties will grow new beginnings; trust the process.
5. Hope is the in between place between the way things were and the way things will become.
6. One day the pain will make sense. There is a purpose to all pain.
7. Believe in the person you want to become.
8. Allow your past mistakes to guide you, not define you.
9. You don’t have to see the entire path, just take one step.
It can be difficult to determine if a loved one is depressed or if they have had suicidal tendencies. But reaching out to another person can save your life. It saved mine.
What You Can Do To Help:

We can all learn the warning signs for suicide. Fifty to 75% of people who attempt suicide will tell someone about their intention. Listen when people talk to you. Make eye contact. Be compassionate.
Each year, nearly 40,000 people commit suicide. By 2030, depression will outpace cancer, stroke, war and accidents as the world's leading cause of disability and death, according to the World Health Organization It’s time we talk about this out loud. The depressed don’t need to suffer in silence anymore. We're all here for each other.
Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com

May 7th – Child & Youth Mental Health Day

Sharing the Care Means:

We can't expect any one person, or any one service, to be ALL that our children and youth need to be mentally well. 

WE MUST COME TOGETHER AND WRAP AROUND OUR KIDS AND OUR FAMILIES.

Please JOIN US if COMING TOGETHER is IMPORTANT TO YOU

We hope that many of you have heard of and/or are participating in the many events happening all over communities in BC.  We have partnered with The Institute of Families every year since one of our Founders started May 7th as Child & Youth Mental Health Day with another mom in 2007.  This is Year 9.
There are over 350 sites participating this year – that we know of !  Of these sites, 193 May 7^th would not be the same without the BC Sponsors:  RBC Foundation and the BC Psychiatric Association.  A big shout out to them !  a special thanks to the Vancity Branches that ordered t-shirts and materials for May 7th -  thank you for showing that child and youth mental health is important to you.
The unveiling of the Green Sharing the Care t-shirts in Vancouver BC on April 8^th – 60 youth and parents helped show the new look

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Send in your pics (make sure you have consent first) – use the hashtags #sharingthecare or #may7icare on Twitter and Instagram
Pics can also be posted on The Institute's Facebook Page https://www.facebook.com/FamilysmartInstituteofFamilies or email to: marketing [at] familysmart [dot] ca   
If you would like to be unsubscribed from our e-news - please click here

The FORCE Society for Kids' Mental Health PO Box 91697, West Vancouver, BC V7V 3P3 Call us at: 604-878-3400 or toll free (855) 887-8004 Email: theforce@forcesociety.com

Upcoming Wedding and Mother's Day

I am zoning out from all the preparations that still need doing for the wedding in less than 30 days. Our to do lists seems never ending. I just got my list of baking items to get, and appetizer ingredients. I have a large box of tupperware containers. I rewashed all my pans, but I have very few for the squares we want to create. Thankfully some help will be available next week, but honestly I don't know what will become of that baking day.

Today I remembered that I missed an eye appointment that my specialist has set up. I have two crowns that I'd like to have finished before the wedding day. I need my hair dyed, highlighted, prior to the wedding and styled on the day of the wedding. That means multitudes of trip to the dentist and hair dresser. I have sacrificed for years with hairstylists, manicurist and even with the cosmetics of dentistry. My family was more important than I and they still are. Most parents understand the implication and magnitude of this sentence. However, some catch up is needed with my immediate needs. Meanwhile, the clothes have to be ironed, and made ready along with the table cloths for the several functions before us, such as bridal shower and rehearsal dinner. A pew will have to be brought up from my garage to seat the many people. ( I talked about the pew in an earlier blog). Three fold up tables will have to be borrowed, and shipped to various places.

I'm hoping to do my own make up. Possibly a big mistake.. but I'll check out some you tube video's on how it's done. I'm hoping to wear contacts as well. That will be an adventure after 35 years of wearing glasses. Shoes are still not even on the horizon. No glimpse of where to get a comfortable one to wear the entire day of photo's and visiting with everyone at the tables.

I find I am not much use to the young couple who now wants to get the suite all decked out. They are so ambitious, wanting more lighting, new back splash tiles in the kitchen, and carpet in one of the bedrooms. I even saw a small chandelier that will ornate their ceiling. I told my girl that I like the chandelier that was in the Titanic, and today I go and see hers. It is a tiny thing with the metal parts painted white, very cute, but not like I imagined. They are meeting with pastor's and flower girls, and the list goes on... and on..and on..

Lack of sleep is not helping either. At 2 am I awoke to someone playing with an electric car back and forth on our street. I went out to talk to the fella. He says it is apparently allowed by bi-laws and he thinks it is a hobby that keeps him out of trouble. Nice, now I get to either call bi-laws or accept the noise of an almost UFO like landing in front of our house over and over again. I agreed, it is a nice hobby, but it would be even better if he moved his vehicle over to the parking lot in the park across the road. It seems like everyone was out on the street at 2 am. The neighbors daughter was out smoking with two of her girlfriends. They finally left to go to a party, with someone's car. I was simply looking for a way to dispose of my many folded boxes as it was recycling day. What an asortment of folks on our quiet crescent street!

Health issue is a big one for my dear husband. We are waiting for more procedure appointments. We are waiting on God for the resources, inner strength to go through with all of this. I had the energy to write two Mother's day letter's to our mom's. We have to mail it tomorrow. Though a little late, I hope it will cheer our mom. I'm reminded that I am now never going to get a card from Deborah, no smile, no hug, no nothing. My memory is her telling me twice on that dreadful day before she left for work, that she loved me.

www.kearnswedding.com
 http://www.kearnswedding.com/our-story/