'I wanna be dead': Teen obsessed with Columbine posted dark thoughts online
The
digital sign is pictured outside Columbine high school as some Denver
area schools have closed while police search for an armed woman
"infatuated" with Columbine, days ahead of the school shooting's 20th
anniversary, in Littleton, Colorado, U.S., April 17, 2019. REUTERS/Rick
Wilking/File Photo
(Editor's note: paragraph 4 contains language that readers may find offensive.)
By Joseph Ax
NEW
YORK (Reuters) - The Florida teenager whose purported fascination with
the 1999 Columbine school massacre sparked a massive hunt for her this
week appears to have kept an online journal peppered with violent
imagery and awash in despair, anger and suicidal thoughts.
An
online journal written by someone who identified herself as "Sol Pais" -
the teenager who authorities said was found dead on Wednesday -
included entries that alluded to "plans" that would lead to the author's
death, though they did not describe specific threats against others.
Law enforcement has not confirmed Pais is the author of the journal.
"Being
alive is fucking overrated," one entry reads, above a drawing of a
handgun going off with the word "ready?" underneath. "I wanna be dead so
fucking bad already," another page from last September says.
Pais,
18, was found dead of an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound on
Wednesday, authorities said, days after she traveled to Denver from her
home in Florida and bought a shotgun ahead of Saturday's 20th
anniversary of the Columbine High School shooting in Littleton,
Colorado. [nL1N21Z0U3]
Authorities
had described Pais as "extremely dangerous" and "infatuated" with the
mass shooting, in which two students killed 12 classmates and a teacher.
She made undisclosed threats, officials said, prompting numerous
Denver-area schools to close on Wednesday as a precaution.
In an entry dated July 2018, the woman described a dream about her future plans.
"I
was only a week away from the day, and I had my fucking shotgun
already, and I just remember the constant lies - to my family, friends,
police, to teachers," she said in recounting the dream.
A drawing of what appears to be the barrel of a shotgun and a shotgun shell appears below the entry.
"One
year is a long time for pain like this," she wrote in another 2018
entry. "I wish I could get a gun by the end of the summer."
A
user on the National Gun Forum used the same screen name as the blog's
author in a series of posts starting in late March seeking advice on how
an 18-year-old Florida resident could buy a shotgun in Colorado.
"I
am planning a trip to Colorado in the next month or so and wanna buy a
shotgun while I'm there and I was wondering what restrictions apply for
me?" the first post read.
Pais
lived in Surfside, Florida, where her parents reported her missing on
Monday. That day, she flew to Denver, according to authorities, and
purchased a shotgun and ammunition legally at a store in Littleton, not
far from Columbine.
A man who identified himself as Pais' father told the Miami Herald on Tuesday that he had lost contact with Pais.
"I think maybe she's got a mental problem," he said, the newspaper reported. "I think she's gonna be okay."
Classmates
at Miami Beach Senior High School, where Pais was a student, described
her as smart and unassuming, if somewhat socially awkward, the newspaper
reported.
(Reporting by Joseph Ax; Editing by Bill Berkrot)
Trigger warning: This story contains sensitive content regarding suicide.
Season two of 13 Reasons Why begins with Clay heading into a tattoo parlor with the intention of getting a semicolon design,
a marking that holds special significance to those who wear it. “A
semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence,
but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life,"
explained the late Amy Bleuel, founder of Project Semicolon, an organization dedicated to the prevention of suicide.
The message is a hopeful one to the countless people affected by depression, mental illness, and self harm — and it's one the 13 Reasons Why
cast have aimed to spread off-screen as well. Selena Gomez, Alisha Boe,
Tommy Dorfman, and Brandon Flynn are among the thousands of people who
wear semicolon tattoos all over the world.
We
talked to three women about why they inked the design for themselves
and what it means to them now. Read their stories, ahead.
If you are thinking about suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the Suicide Crisis Line at 1-800-784-2433.
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