Lived in the Present

I don't understand why Deborah did not express her anxiety, or depression to us verbally. Infact, she was always lax, not worried about much. She portrayed herself as someone who was not worried about the tomorrow. She has said comments like, I really don't know what I'll do after graduation, but she would smile afterwards with that captivating smile. It wasn't something that she would gnaw over, or attempt to have long conversations with her sisters about future goals. She appeared to live in the present. She did not speak of her anguish inside, or left us concerned about her disappointments. She never complained about a single person in her life. If a friendship appeared to have broke off, she would just shrug her shoulders, and only vaguely touch on it. She was always one to keep secrets, and never betray trust she had earned with her work colleagues, or school friends. Even with the family she worked for for years, we knew very little about her relationship and her deep trust she had earned during her time of employment. It wasn't that she was vague, but extremely respectful, and almost saintly. She did not gossip. Her only time of sharing was if something was ridiculously funny, for instance hauling children in the lake from one pier to another, or some other weird thing that she had to do as part of her babysitting career.

Yesterday, as we picked out the flowers for the wedding, we picked up material such as ribbons for the additional bouquet that will make it's presence at the bridal table. This will be Deborah's bouquet. As I looked out of the store while the register corrected it's amount with the many discounts applied, I had tears in my eyes. The hundreds of silk flowers, adorned our arms.  How sad, that she will not be with us on this day, how her exuberance would have added so much more to this occasion, and to the rest of our lives.