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It was a beautiful spring day as I looked out my school bus window. There was a gentle breeze rustling the leaves on a nearby tree. As I glanced out the window I saw a boy my age, about fourteen years old, standing there. I had never seen this boy before at our school. He was rather skinny and wore pants that were a little too short. When I saw his eyes from a distance under is overgrown copper brown hair; I saw he looked rather troubled and lonely. Although
I had never met him I felt some sort of feeling of destiny as if
something was transpiring at that very moment that I was unaware of. I felt a sense of compassion for this person I did not know for some reason because of his loneliness. As my bus drove away I breathed a sigh of relief that the school year was over and looked forward to summer break. I didn’t take any thought of that boy again over the summer.
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Soon fall began and I was sitting in High school. I was now in 9th grade, a freshman. As
fate would have it I ended up being in the same classroom as this boy
that I spotted from a distance on the last day of school. I found out that his name was Peter. He was always flirting with the girls in our English classroom. Today he had noticed me. I
had received a perfect score on a spelling test and he bragged out loud
to the entire class telling them how smart he thought I was. I was quite embarrassed but was happy that someone at least thought I was smart. I
had never felt smart before because my mother had always told me I was
Dyslexic when I had trouble with my school work in earlier grades. It was nice to receive a little bit of flattery for the first time in my life. Much
to my surprise as the bell rang and I walked out the classroom door
Peter handed me a small little rolled up piece of paper then quickly
walked away. I unrolled it to see that it was his phone number with the words, “call me.”
When I got home I was very nervous and thought about it all evening. I never had a boy give me any attention before. I had no idea what to say to him. I made the call even though I was really hesitant. He was very friendly and soon calmed my nerves by being very talkative. He asked me to go with him on a date. Finally we decided upon the YMCA. I thought it was a rather unique date, a swimming date.
My mother drove me to the YMCA. I
felt a bit awkward walking out of the dressing room in my bright pink
bathing suit in front of my classmate who had only seen me wear pants
and long sleeve shirts in class. I had just gone through
puberty and finally was a woman or at least looked like one on the
outside but on the inside still felt like a child. I will never forget the look on his face as I walked out of the dressing room door. He
stood there as if paralyzed for a second quite surprised as if a
princess stepped out the door with that “wow” kind of expression on his
face. I was rather shy and wanted to get into the water quite quickly due to the awkwardness of that moment.
After this date he pursed me relentlessly at school. Soon I was his girlfriend. We
began to talk on the phone quite frequently to the point where his
family thought it was too much and limited our calls to five minutes. We then resorted to writing letters back and forth. This is when I discovered the joy of writing. I finally had someone to share my deepest thoughts with. He wrote back long letters that were equally as thought provoking. We wrote about what we thought of life. We wrote about God, we wrote about morals, we wrote about love. It really became fun when we started calling each other silly little nick names that we made up. We even wrote about someday being married when we were around twenty years old or something.
One day I shall never forget is the day I went over to his house to visit. I went into his bedroom. There
I saw on his wall several interesting drawings of a hooded figure
riding on a dark horse which was known as The Grim Reaper. He had liked to listen to a music group called Blue Oyster Cult. He asked me to come near while he placed a needle on a spinning record. Soon the tune, “Don’t Fear the Reaper” was playing. He had a strange fascination with this song. I saw also that he had a bit of an obsession with drawings of this Grim Reaper along with drawing their occult symbol. I thought the song was romantic because it talked about Romeo and Juliet. That’s what we were studying in English class at the time, Romeo and Juliet. Suddenly he approached me as if he would like to kiss me. I felt very awkward and told him I had never kissed anyone before. He talked to me in a very soothing voice and reassured me that everything would be alright and that he would show me how. Not only would I receive a kiss but also a hickey on the lower part of my neck!
I was head over heels in love! Suddenly I had someone that admired me. I had never had a male figure in my life love me since my father had abandoned my sister and I when we were very young. I was raised by a single mother who worked in a Chocolate Factory. She was always very irritable. Rarely were there any kind words or encouragement given to me growing up. One day as I stepped out of the shower she noticed the fading hickey I had received. Immediately she hollered at me demanding to talk to the young man responsible. Peter was invited over to the house and mother gave him a good tongue lashing. He was very good about it. He didn’t act the least bit upset but instead praised my mother for being a very caring and concerned parent. I
later on fished a condom out of his back pocket while we were playing
cards and told him privately under no circumstances was I that kind of
girl. He later flushed it down the toilet giving me all kinds of praise for being a good girl. Rather than become distant from me we became closer after this. He respected me.
I would often write to him about God and soon he had a new nickname for me. He called me “Angel.” He thought of me as if I was as pure as the driven snow. This made me feel very spiritual. I had read a Psychology book called, “I’m Okay, You’re Okay.” Then I took to explaining how human relationships worked. I had all kinds of strange complex theories. I gave him the idea that I knew him better than he knew himself and I think he believed me.
One day he began to act rather strangely. We were kissing each other under my big Acorn tree in my front yard. He suddenly said I was a bad kisser. I was very surprised to hear this since he was the one who taught me in the first place. Then he began to explain that I was a sloppy kisser with too much saliva. I didn’t know what to make of that comment, perhaps he was just grumpy. I tried not to let it bother me too much.
The next morning I met him at my locker as was our routine at school. This day I saw that he had a very strange look upon his face as I approached him. I knew in an instant from the expression on his face that he wanted to break up with me. I started to cry immediately making quite a scene in the hallway and walked away. Later on that night on the phone he consoled me saying he was not going to break up with me. But, only a week later I received a letter explaining that he did not want to continue our relationship.
I was stunned. I remember looking into my bedroom mirror at myself and feeling like a truck just ran over me. I had never known what it was like to fall in love with someone before and I had never known what heartbreak was like either. I was devastated. Each day when I saw Peter at school in the hallway he did not even acknowledge me. Even if I attempted to say hello it was ignored. I wondered what I could have done to make him completely reject me like this. Perhaps I had written to him too much. Maybe I had confused him with my constant analyzing of things.
One day I heard a song playing over the radio called, “Harden My Heart” by Quarterflash. I couldn’t figure out how to go on with daily life feeling the emotional pain that I felt every day. I needed a way to survive. As I heard the words, “I’m going to harden my heart, I’m going to swallow my tears,” I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked at myself in the eyes saying in my mind, “I want that steel cold dark eyed look, no one’s ever going to hurt me again.” I
began to think about God again and I suddenly realized that this is why
people turn away from God and to Satan or what they perceive to be
evil. They become hurt, angry and heartbroken and there is no other way to take the pain away except to become hardened. I abandoned the idea that I was some holy lovely angel anymore like Peter thought I was. Now I was disillusioned.
Summer break went by. Since
I was not in school I did not have to endure feeling the rejection of
passing Peter in the hallway hoping he’d at least acknowledge my
presence. But, still I would have reoccurring dreams of passing him in the hallway where he would pretend not to see me. Finally summer was ending and it was September. I thought after the long three month break from school that Peter might miss me. So I dared one evening to call him on the telephone. I called and he was the one to answer the phone. I was elated just to be able to hear his voice again. “Hi, Peter, how are you? How was your summer?” He said he was fine and then there was a very long silence. I realized that he did not want to talk to me and suddenly I cried, “You don’t want to talk to me do you?!” I slammed the phone down and ran out the door.
I was so distraught and upset that I was thinking of ways I could hurt myself. I
thought, “If I get run over by a car then maybe someone would feel
sorry for me and at least by feeling sorry for me they would love me
then.” It was evening and it started to rain. I walked through my trailer park to the main road where cars are allowed to travel at 55 miles per hour. I
tried walking in front of cars and trucks but it was raining so heavily
that each vehicle stopped immediately upon seeing me because they were
already going so slow.
I thought it was futile so I walked to a nearby school yard and sat on the swings. By now it was very dark outside but I felt afraid of nothing. I was so angry that I didn’t even fear the dark as I usually did. I sat on the swing thinking about my childhood. I felt as if no one ever really loved me. I remembered that my mother thought I was Dyslexic. I always felt like an outcast among other children. I never felt accepted by anyone and I never knew why or what was so terribly wrong with me that people generally didn’t like me. My mother told me I had a big nose. Was it that I wasn’t pretty enough? I always felt very clumsy, maybe I wasn’t graceful enough. I lived in a trailer park, maybe I was too poor to be liked. I told God that I was upset with him that he had to let this happen. I questioned why he’d let me fall in love when he knew I’d only get my heart broken. I accused God of not caring about me because my biological father had left me at the age of four. Also, I was sexually molested at the age of four by a stranger. “Why did you have to allow my life to be like this God? Why don’t you care about me?”
I got up from the swings and walked along side the road again not knowing where to go next. I was hoping some maniac would approach me and that I would get lost somewhere and never be found again. Then a car drove up next to me only it was my mother’s car. In the car with my mother was my neighbor Darlene. I just ignored them and kept on walking. They
finally realized that I was not listening to them beckon me into the
car so Darlene got out of the car and stood in front of me. I tried to walk past her but she grabbed me and forced me into the car. She was a very big girl and I was no match for her so in the car I went despite the struggle. I was placed in the front seat between Darlene and my mother. My mother looked visibly shaken and put her arm around me as to console me. I then just threw her arm off of me looking straight ahead. I was angry at her, I was angry at God, I was angry at everyone. I wouldn’t utter a word because bitterness was filling my heart and soul.
When I got home I went into the bathroom to change out of my soaking wet clothes. Darlene stopped and questioned me about what was wrong but I would not answer her or acknowledge her. She was very upset with me and demanded to know what was going on. I simply refused to say a thing and she finally gave up. I went straight to bed. I tossed and turned for a while and kept on thinking about how I felt God was responsible for all of this. I told him that I hated him and called him several very awful cuss words. I couldn’t sleep as the night wore on. Then suddenly I overheard my mother quietly crying in the other room. I knew she was crying over me. I laughed to myself thinking, “Good, I have caused her some pain. She deserves it after the kind of mother she has been to me. I
hate you God, if you allow me to live I’m just going to live the rest
of my life from now on trying to get you back for all the pain I’m
feeling by hurting other people. That way I can pay you back for this.” As
the night grew more dark and silent I suddenly felt such a loathing of
myself that I imagined myself burning in an infernal hell. I then said to God, “I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I deserve to go to hell. Send me to hell God, send me to hell.” Then I just blasphemed him all the more to vent my anger towards him. Then after all of that I suddenly felt strangely peaceful. It’s as if something in me suddenly got up and left. It’s very hard to explain. I just felt this strange sense of relief. I no longer had to worry about being a good person in order to please God. I had really blown it, it was over for me so there was no more struggle. Oddly enough I felt very relaxed as I never had before in my life and drifted off to sleep.
It wasn’t long before I woke up feeling restless and unable to sleep. Suddenly I heard a noise coming from outside my window. It sounded like whispering but I couldn’t quite figure out what was being said. This swirling whispering noise seemed to come closer and closer and with it I sensed a really strong presence. I was suddenly terrified as it drifted through my window and into my bedroom although I could not see anything. As I felt it approach me I became unable to move, completely paralyzed. I
struggled to move my limbs and struggled to scream but any attempt to
move resulted in an intense pain in the back of my head where the
cerebellum resides. Suddenly my mind began to empty of my thoughts. I
cannot explain this in any way other than to say as if a dam was
erected to stop the flow of water, which were my general thoughts. The only thought that remained was just the mere feeling of existence. During this time I did not know who I was or where I was or that I had ever lived. Then I heard an eerie whispery voice which said something that has perplexed me my entire life. This voice was heard not only with just my ears but it was heard by every cell of my body! It said the following, “You don’t need me.” Then I was instantly located in a place which was completely dark and void. There was nothing there other than myself. I was separated from everyone and everything, completely alone. This
feeling cannot be duplicated on earth because even if you are in a jail
cell somewhere separated from people you know they are there on the
outside at least a certain distance away. Even if you were in the wilderness alone you would have the trees, grass and animals. I was able to feel this complete and utter separation. It was so horrifying and awful that this description could never adequately describe it. Then
I was suddenly back in my surroundings on earth in my body again and
slowly the dam that held the water of my thoughts was open once again. The very first thoughts that came through were just me saying in my mind for I was unable to yet speak aloud were, “God, God, God, God….”. I had been so shaken by the experience that I was unable to form a whole sentence in my mind. I just kept saying God over and over again hoping that he would be able to hear me. I knew that nothing else could save me from this horrible place except God. I had previously blasphemed him but now I was begging for him to save me and protect me from this awful place. I
prayed telling him that I wanted him to protect me and told him that I
wouldn’t spend the rest of my life in order to just hurt other people. Instead I would spend the rest of my life serving him. I told him that I would start searching for him first thing in the morning.
Early in the morning although I was very tired from having hardly any sleep the night before I headed out to the only place I knew to go to search for God. I went to the Public Library. My mother never brought me to church although she was raised a Catholic. I knew next to nothing about Catholicism or any other religion. It was 1980 and there weren’t really any resources like we have today like the internet. I checked out dozens upon dozens of religious books of all kinds and brought them home. I spent the day which wore well on into the evening reading through each book. As
I got to the middle of a book I would realize that whatever I was
looking for wasn’t there so I would toss the book into the pile of other
half read books. Book after daunting book did not have
this answer that I instinctively knew must be out there to find although
I did not know what it was. I figured when I found it I would know. Finally, I read a book called, “How to Be Born Again” by Billy Graham. By the time I was half w
ay through this book I realized I had finally found the answer!
I understood from that book that no one was good enough to get into heaven. I thought I had really blown it. But as it turns out, everyone has blown it! I read the Bible verse that said, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23). Isaiah 53:6 says, “All
we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own
way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all”. ESV
The
book further explained that there is hope for us because Jesus came to
save us by offering himself on the cross to atone for our sins that we
committed. This was necessary because without the shedding of blood there is no remission of sin (Hebrews 9:22). The book explained that is why people of the Old Testament era had to sacrifice animals. They were instructed to do this because it was a shadow of things to come. Then later on in history Jesus came and was called “The Lamb of God” because lambs were often sacrificed. He willingly gave himself as the sacrificial lamb. I remembered seeing a beautiful glass church window where Jesus was depicted as holding a little lamb in his arms. Now I understood that he paid the penalty for those sins and it was a free gift as we had not earned it. The Bible says this is how he showed his love for us. “For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord”. Romans 6:23
As we accept this free gift we give our lives in exchange. We bury our old life, our old ways of doing things and enter into a new life, now living for God to do his will. This is why the Bible says we must be born again. The Bible passage of John 3:3-7 says,
“Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.
Nicodemus saith unto him, How can a man be born when he is old? can he
enter the second time into his mother's womb, and be born? Jesus
answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water
and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.
That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the
Spirit is spirit. Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born
again”.
We then become a new creature. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come”. 2 Corinthians 5:17.
I marveled at this simple truth that I had discovered. I knew that Jesus existed in history but I really hadn’t understood much of anything about him before. As
a child I just thought of him as being some distant historical figure
that didn’t have much to do with me or my everyday life. Now I understood that he came to ransom my soul and redeem my life. He not only came to save people but also came to set us on the right course in life. I was overjoyed by this discovery. I knelt and prayed that day of September 3rd 1980. I accepted his free gift and told him that I would give the rest of my life to him to follow him all of my days.
I reflected upon those days when I thought I was spiritual, like an angel that Peter had called me. I
realized that although he thought I was so wonderful, that in reality I
was just a sinner like the rest of mankind no matter how nice of a girl
I was. It didn’t take long for me to rebel against God when things didn’t go my way in life. It didn’t take long to blame him for all my problems either. But God is so merciful knowing that we all will eventually mess things up in our lives. We simply have to embrace his love by accepting his Son and following him the rest of the days of our lives.
I was determined to read the Bible as often as I could and to seek out other Christians. I soon found a Christian radio station to listen to. The
station had a lot of static but it was my only source of being in
contact with the rest of the Christian world since I had never even met a
Christian before in my life. I thought perhaps in my small town there were no Christians. Even if there were none I was determined to follow God. I heard the song, “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus” play on the radio. I enjoyed that song during this time of my life being the only Christian in my little world. I liked the song because it had as a lyric, “Though none go with me, still I will follow."
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back, no turning back
Tho' none go with me, still I will follow
Tho' none go with me, still I will follow
Tho' none go with me, still I will follow
No turning back, no turning back
My cross I'll carry, till I see Jesus
My cross I'll carry, till I see Jesus
My cross I'll carry, till I see Jesus
No turning back, no turning back
The world behind me, the cross before me
The world behind me, the cross before me
The world behind me, the cross before me
I daydreamed about what I might accomplish for God in my life. Maybe I could someday be a missionary, or a minister or a prophet or even a martyr. I told God that I would do anything he wanted me to do, even if I were to be a martyr.
In the past I had thought that only good people go to heaven and only bad people went to hell. I had it all wrong! Instead I discovered that we are all worthy of hell. That none of us is good. And that God came to redeem even the worst of us! This was such good news. I wanted so badly for Peter to truly know this good news because he was so lost. He had an obsession with drawing the death rider and seemed so lonely. He didn’t know the simple truth of the gospel. I knew he went to a church, but perhaps like me, he didn’t truly understand why Jesus came. I wanted to explain all this to him. I wrote him a big long letter explaining every detail of what happened to me and about my transformation. I even wrote about the really scary event where I went to this strange place. I thought it might freak him out a bit, but I wanted to tell it just like it happened. I wanted him to know the Lord too. I had written about God, morals and ethics so much prior when we had written letters back and forth. But, I hadn’t known the truth back then. I thought I had probably just utterly confused him. So one day I finally worked up enough nerve to give him the letter.
I was soon very disappointed when I had found out that he threw my letter away. I realized that he really had no respect for me anymore. Maybe he thought I was just trying to get his attention or get him back as a boyfriend. I realized that being so obsessed with him was probably what drove him away. I was so infatuated with him that I once told him that I loved him more than God himself. It dawned on me that this was probably a form of Idolatry.
As I read through the Bible I noticed that there were many passages about love. I wanted to learn how to love people properly because the way I had loved Peter was very damaging not only to him but to me. I wanted to love people in a correct way. As much as I wanted Peter back I told God that I would give him up if this was what was best for him. The only thing I asked God for in return was to protect Peter and pursue him all the days of his life and draw him to Himself. I wanted to see Peter in heaven someday, and that would be my reward.
I
cataloged every single verse in the Bible that I could find about love
and wrote out a whole list of Bible verses and passages. I told God that I would not even dare to utter the words, “I love you” to Him until I finally truly did love him. I was relieved when I read in the Bible where it said that we didn’t first love him, but it was he who first loved us. I felt bad for not loving him as I should but I knew that it was just because I didn’t know him yet. But, I did know that over time I would love him. "We love him, because he first loved us”. 1 John 4:19
Sidenote - Thirty
years later Peter and I found one another on facebook. I was overjoyed
to see that he had turned to the Lord and today is a zealous Christian.
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