What Not to Say When Your Friends Are Hurting
How you might be using a new kind of profanity and not even know it.
“I know you feel alone, but remember, you are never alone because God is always with you.”
Why do we do that? Why do we respond to someone’s vulnerability and present experience in this way?
We often say such things when we don’t know what to say. Or when we really don’t care enough to get involved. When we want the tense moment to pass so we can move on. As true as the above reply may be, when used that way we are disrespecting a moment of connection. That person likely presently feels physically and emotionally alone.
Eternal Truths were never to be used like smoke-bomb escape techniques or a magician’s trap door. They are to be held as holy and communicated with veneration. We should never say them simply because we don’t know what to say.
”I Will Pray for You.”
Prayer is far too great an intimately holy gift to reduce to a
get-out-of-the-moment free card. Don’t say you will if you won’t. Pray
with them right then. Or ask how you can pray for them.
”You Should Read This Verse.”
The Bible is certainly is a Living Word, but proof-texting someone’s
pain is simply poor form. You should be looking to be living reference
to the Truths in Scripture, not using Scripture to pass someone off.
”God Has Something Better Planned.”
God does not owe us anything. He may have something far worse in
store—and that has to be OK too. There is a reason Job is the oldest
book of the Bible. Instead of shifting attention to an unknown future,
help them see God at work in the present experience.
”God Won’t Give You More Than You Can Handle.”
That is simply not true. Many experience far more than they can handle
alone. Drawn from 1 Corinthians 10:13, not only is this verse
specifically about temptation but has a corporate context. Sometimes
people need help. If you find yourself saying this they are probably
asking for help from you.
”You are Not Alone Because God is Always With You.”
Again, true, but if someone is expressing a profound loneliness they
are looking to you to help lessen it and learn to know God’s sustaining
presence. Too much of our theology is dismissive of the here and now. Be
present in the moment with them.
”Everything Happens for a Reason.”
This well-meaning statement may have become the most “nothing”
response to a painful situation. It does not mean anything and is
clearly said more to alleviate not knowing what to say than their pain.
Resist the urge to dodge the moment or provide something that sounds
like an answer. Know that just being there is often enough.
Why do we do that? Why do we respond to someone’s vulnerability and present experience in this way?
We often say such things when we don’t know what to say. Or when we really don’t care enough to get involved. When we want the tense moment to pass so we can move on. As true as the above reply may be, when used that way we are disrespecting a moment of connection. That person likely presently feels physically and emotionally alone.
Eternal Truths were never to be used like smoke-bomb escape techniques or a magician’s trap door. They are to be held as holy and communicated with veneration. We should never say them simply because we don’t know what to say.
”I Will Pray for You.”
Prayer is far too great an intimately holy gift to reduce to a
get-out-of-the-moment free card. Don’t say you will if you won’t. Pray
with them right then. Or ask how you can pray for them.
”You Should Read This Verse.”
The Bible is certainly is a Living Word, but proof-texting someone’s
pain is simply poor form. You should be looking to be living reference
to the Truths in Scripture, not using Scripture to pass someone off.
”God Has Something Better Planned.”
God does not owe us anything. He may have something far worse in
store—and that has to be OK too. There is a reason Job is the oldest
book of the Bible. Instead of shifting attention to an unknown future,
help them see God at work in the present experience.
”God Won’t Give You More Than You Can Handle.”
That is simply not true. Many experience far more than they can handle
alone. Drawn from 1 Corinthians 10:13, not only is this verse
specifically about temptation but has a corporate context. Sometimes
people need help. If you find yourself saying this they are probably
asking for help from you.
”You are Not Alone Because God is Always With You.”
Again, true, but if someone is expressing a profound loneliness they
are looking to you to help lessen it and learn to know God’s sustaining
presence. Too much of our theology is dismissive of the here and now. Be
present in the moment with them.
”Everything Happens for a Reason.”
This well-meaning statement may have become the most “nothing”
response to a painful situation. It does not mean anything and is
clearly said more to alleviate not knowing what to say than their pain.
Resist the urge to dodge the moment or provide something that sounds
like an answer. Know that just being there is often enough.
When we force “capital ‘T'” truths into the “lowercase ‘t'” truths of
someone’s present experience we squeeze out their humanity—making both
feel like a lie.
Sacred Truths were never meant to cover up or hide the truths of what
someone is experiencing in the here and now. It makes a person’s
present experience feel pointless and meaningless, amplifying loneliness
or frustration.
Irreverent to both the Truths we intend to share and the person we
are commanded to love, it’s sacrilege. In that respect, more than lame
platitudes, such statements become a new kind of profanity. “Profane”
can be defined as “to treat something sacred with irreverence or
disrespect.”
Vulnerable moments are sacred spaces to be treated with the utmost
reverence and respect. We far too often desecrate it with christianese
graffiti, recklessly applying theology we misunderstand and treating it
like a method to be applied to a solvable situation.
Better someone offer up a traditional four-letter “swear word” out of
shared lament than reduce deeply held beliefs into platitudes thrown at
pain. We should find this type of profanity far more offensive and
treat it accordingly.
When you say such things in this profane manner your impulse should
be to throw your hand over your mouth and apologize profusely as if you
just let an “F-bomb” slip out at the most inappropriate time. If you
find yourself dropping this new profanity, stop, apologize and begin
again.
So, the next time someone dismissively “encourages” you to wrestle
through this season in the journey God has you on, tell them to watch
their mouth. I’ll get the soap.
BRIAN KAMMERZELT
Brian Kammerzelt is an assistant professor
and chair of the communications department at the Moody Bible Institute.
For more information, visit www.critiquebycreating.com or follow him on
Twitter @ProfKammerzelt.
BRIAN KAMMERZELT
Brian Kammerzelt is an assistant professor
and chair of the communications department at the Moody Bible Institute.
For more information, visit www.critiquebycreating.com or follow him on
Twitter @ProfKammerzelt.
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